Tues., Dec. 21, 2010 - Hanging in there

So far, Hardee is hanging in there.  We are still doing the daily chemo (cyclophosphamide) at home, and the IV chemo every 3 weeks.  Two weeks ago, we did carboplatin as his second type of IV chemo.  He handled that chemo better than the first chemo, epirubicin.  The side effect from the carboplatin was diarrhea that turned bloody a week after getting the treatment, but I took HH to the holistic vet and bought some things to treat the diarrhea.  We also got his blood work done while there, and Hardee was NOT neutropenic (low white blood cells) like he was after the epirubicin, so he did not have to have antibiotics again.  Based on the above, I have decided to have carboplatin done again, instead of doxorubicin or epirubicin, for Hardee's next IV chemo.  The only other side effect that I have seen from the chemo is hair loss.  Hardee continues to lose tons of hair each day.  I'd say he has lost over half his hair with quite a few bald spots in progress.

Hardee still sneezes a lot, a symptom of the tumor.  Each sneeze has the potential to set off a bleed, so most of the time I hold my breath with each sneeze waiting to see if his nose bleeds.  Since we had that bad bleed back in November, we haven't had another, thank goodness.  I'll tell you later why I am so anxious about the sneezing.  Hardee still has a lot of discharge from his nose and has post nasal drip.  His right eye still waters, and just within the last couple days, his left eye has started to have a gelatinous discharge.  It seems to me that the tumor is spreading more into the left side of his nasal passage now, but we have not CT scanned for over a month now.

While we were at the holistic vet in town here, I inquired about the dog that was from here also that was diagnosed with a nasal tumor over a month after Hardee that also did Cyber Knife radiation.  I was shocked and saddened to hear that it had passed away a couple weeks ago.  We are on very borrowed time with Hardee.  The holistic vet also told me how Hardee would die.  A bleed would set in that we cannot control, and he will have to be put down.  Though I had suspected that would be the case, no one had the guts to tell me this before, and I am somewhat relieved to know the cause.  This is why I wait anxiously with each sneeze to see the outcome.

On a totally different subject, I have addressed this problem before in my blog but there are still people out there who feel the need to write me privately with their opinions about the treatments Hardee is receiving or what we are letting Hardee do.  For those people that think they know more about my dog than I do or that they know more than Hardee's numerous oncologists do, please feel free NOT to read my blog!!!  At this most horrible time in my life, I am appalled that some people would write the things to me that they do.  I truly do not care whether you agree with me about Hardee's treatments or about his continuing to compete.  Hardee's oncologists have approved it, and it makes Hardee happy.  What can possibly be wrong with that???? 

Hardee has cancer and is dying, but he is not sick.  Except for diarrhea from the chemo that lasts for a couple days that we treat, Hardee is NOT sick.  It is about quality of life with the little time Hardee has left and he loves to run agility and compete.  To quote a friend from about a week ago, "I just had the good fortune to spend the day with Jennie, Jim and Hardee at an Agility Trial in Las Vegas!  Hardee looks fantastic - - if you didn't know the details you would never suspect he has cancer.  Happy, tail wagging, barking and jumping, weaving and teetering - he did it all!  I hope someday if I have cancer,... someone loves me enough to let me keep doing what I love! The three of you are an inspiration!"

Not letting Hardee run agility or compete will NOT extend his life longer.  The tumor grows whether he is doing what he loves or laying around on the sofa.  Hardee is a working dog that loves to work.  He does not do it to please us; he does it because he loves it.  He whines and barks in his crate and is raring to go when he knows Jim is getting ready to run him.  I don't know how to explain it further to you people who write me privately with your opinions, and I shouldn't have to.

We love Hardee with every fiber of our beings.  He is what brings us joy, and he sustains us.  We owe him everything, and try our hardest to give him the best life possible.  We have been truly blessed to have him in our lives, even for this short time.  As long as possible, it is, and will always be, all about Hardee.

Monday, Dec. 6, 2010 - Finally home but going again

We are finally home after being on the road for 1.5 weeks.  Hardee held up fantastically well, and I was very pleased with him.  He got one double qualifying leg with his Dad in agility and lots of points.  We had a good appointment with the new oncologist and started some new therapies.  Then Hardee went to Long beach with his Mom where he competed in rally and obedience for 3 days.  HH got his 7th, 8th and 9th double qualifying legs towards his Rally Advanced Excellent title.  Just one more double qualifying leg to go!  He qualified only one day in Open A obedience towards his Companion Dog Excellent title (CDX), but I was still pleased.  He was too tired to hold his long sit at the end of the week, which kept disqualifying us, but I was still pleased.  We need to qualify 2 more times for his CDX title.

When we got home last night, we started on the metronomic therapy drug that was compounded for Hardee at the pharmacy in AZ.  Cyclophosphamide is a molecular therapy and is a form of chemo (chemotherapeutic medication) that interferes with the growth of cancer cells and slows their growth and spread in the body.  I have to handle it with gloves, so it scares me to be giving it to my boy.  Also, Hardee started on Peroxicam this morning which is in the NSAID class of drugs, but is being used as a supplementary drug in the treatment of his cancer.  Peroxicam has been found to enhance the body's own ability to destroy cancer cells.  There are side effects to both, so I have to watch him carefully.

Hardee's bleeding from his nose has slowed down markedly.  We only got in trouble on Thursday from a judge in the obedience ring for the bleeding.  Hardee sneezed his way through the rally and obedience rings all days, and I had to stop and wait for him while he went through numerous sneezes during our floor exercises.  Hardee's nose still drains, but it is just blood tinged fluid now, instead of being total blood.  Hardee also is losing his hair from chemo.  His coat is thinner, but not anything that anyone else would really notice just yet, but he is a Portuguese shedding dog. 

We leave Wed. night again for SoCal.  Thursday, HH gets chemo again.  This time he will get Carboplatin which should be easier on him than the last chemo.  Friday, we compete in rally and obedience again, then head home Friday night late.  Jim and Hardee have a local agility trial Sat & Sun here in Vegas.  The schedule is too busy, and we'll just have to wait and see what HH feels up to doing.  He's a hardy boy and is built to withstand (his registered name), but he'll let me know.  I don't know what the new IV chemo will do to him, especially in conjunction with the chemo pills we started at home last night.  Our paws are crossed here that he weathers this chemo storm well.

Until then, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!!

Wed., Dec 1, 2010 - We are still fighting!

We had our appointment with Dr. Ogilvie Monday in Carlsbad, CA.  It went well, and Hardee had some tests run.  His bloodwork came back normal, for the most part, and the good news is that he is no longer neutropenic so I can take him off the antibiotics.  HH is still dehydrated from his chemo reaction, but we are working on that.  He had chest radiographs done to see if the cancer had spread to his lungs, and it had not....YAY!...a bright side!

Dr O said that this cancer CANNOT be cured and wanted to make sure that I understood that.  What we are focusing on now is quality of life, and if we can, controlling the tumor growth that is on a rampage.  Nasal chondrosarcomas are slow to respond to therapy, and Hardee's seems really resistant to everything we have tried so far.  Dr O doesn't agree that chemo should work within a week like what Dr V told me, and he doesn't want to CT again until we've done 2 rounds of chemo.  Dr O thinks there are still some grenades that haven't been tried yet with Hardee that we can still lob at this tumor.

A surgeon came in to talk to me about debulking the tumor.  If we got rid of as much as we can of the tumor, the chemo drugs might be more effective.  The tumor would always regrow though because we can't surgically get all the tumor because of it's position.  Hardee would be very disfigured, and it is a very hard surgery on dogs with a long recuperation time.  They cut through the bones of his face and actually remove quite a bit of structure.  I don't want to do that to Hardee and have some of his last days be about trying to recuperate.  I asked the surgeon if he would do this surgery on his dog before he would do chemo, and he said No, that he would just do the chemo.  That sealed my decision for no surgery.

The current plan now is to try to control the tumor growth with chemo and metronomic therapy.  I haven't had time to research metronomic therapy just yet, but it is a molecular therapeutic.  The drugs will be compounded for me by a pharmacy in Arizona and sent to the house.  I have to wear gloves to handle it, and Hardee gets it daily.  Next week we go for chemo again, but this round of chemo will be carboplatin, which is supposed to be easier on him.  We might add in some more tumor suppression drugs later.

They also gave me an option to help control the bleeding from the nose, though currently we are having a good couple days of not much blood.  The option to control bleeding is to surgically tie off the carotid arteries.  That worried me immediately about how his brain, head, & face area would perfuse.  He assured me that dog anatomy is different from human and that it would not affect blood supply to the head structure.  I don't think we will consider that option, but we'll just have to see how this all plays out.

While we were at the agility trial this past weekend, there was an animal communicator there named Joy.  We paid for a session, and I want to believe what she told us.  There are things that I wanted to know.  Here's some of the answers that she gave us.  Yes, Hardee knows he is dying, and he has some anger over that.  He thought he would be here another 10 years.  He loves his life and fell in love with us when he first met us.  Yes, he knows how much we love him and worries about us when he is gone.  Yes, he wants to continue running agility for as long as his Dad will run him.  He loves it, he says.  He doesn't love the obedience and rally that I do with him, but I already knew that.  I had Joy tell him that it was important to me and that if he would finish his RAE and CDX titles, I'd never make him do any more rally or obedience again. 

The first thing that Hardee asked Joy when the session started was could he come back?  He kept asking it she said because he enjoys his life so much.  I had Joy tell him to do what he could to come back to us.  Joy said that there was a reddish brown dog with a black mask who has come to guide him to the bridge.  That would be my Cessna, my Rhodesian Ridgeback.  Joy said she only sees the ones who come to guide the dying when their time to go is getting closer.  We are still fighting though because Hardee said that he still wanted to fight.  My Cessie was a patient girl, and she'll just have to wait for later to guide Hardee.

Hardee and I are in long Beach currently, competing in rally and obedience.  So far, Hardee is doing great!  We qualified and placed in all of our runs today.  We got Hardee's 7th RAE leg and his 1st Open A obedience leg towards his CDX.  We even placed 2nd, and also got the high scoring PWD in obedience award.  Two more days to go, and I hope Hardee will continue to feel okay down here so we can get through this.  He's held up fantastically with no white blood cells last week, being on the road for almost a week so far, 3 days of agility over the weekend, oncologist appointment Monday where they stuck a big needle into his bladder, and took blood and chest radiographs, and now this 3 day trial.  My Handsome Hardee is indeed hardy!!

Today, it has been all about my joy and pride of qualifying with Hardee, and praising and treating him.  It always rolls back around to the most important thing, because it is always all about Hardee!!

Sat., Nov. 27, 2010 - Thanksgiving plans

Since I wrote last, Hardee is feeling much better and has his appetite back and is gaining weight.  It took a couple days, but he lived up to his name and bounced back quicker than I thought he would.  Last Wednesday we went for bloodwork one week after chemo, and HH was neutropenic, meaning his white blood cell count was too low.  When your white cells drop too low, your immune system is compromised and you can't fight off an infection.  Wed. night we had to drive back to the specialists late and pick up antibiotics for Hardee to be on for at least a week, until we do more bloodwork to check his white count again.

We were supposed to leave for my Mom's in So. Cal. Wed. night for Thanksgiving, but you know what they say about the best laid plans.  I wanted Hardee on antibiotics for at least 4 doses before we took him anywhere to help him be able to fight off any infection .  We finally left for So Cal Friday morning, after HH's 4th dose.  Remembering that it is about quality of life for our boy and also remembering how much he loves agility, we headed for the 3 day agility trial that we had planned.  Since HH had already missed his turkey eating day, we gave him one of his faves, agility.  Each morning we assess him to see if he feels up to running because it does not matter to us.  We just want him happy, especially now.

Originally we thought we could, and would, kick this cancer's ass.  We had a fabulous, new, expensive, state of the art radiation plan that would rid the tumor from our lives.  It seemed impossible to me that this cancer could ever get the best of us, especially for a boy so young and so full of potential, who had parents that would do anything for him.  It seems though, that this cancer is a formidable foe that is not easily conquered.  It is getting the best of Hardee, and of us, as it seems we are dying right along with Hardee.  We have a chemo consultation planned with one of the top doctors in the field of chemotherapy this Monday.  Unless he can work a miracle for us, Hardee doesn't have much time left.

Chemo only has a slim possibility of working for a nasal tumor, and if it was going to work, it was supposed to work quickly to shrink the tumor.  I watch Hardee constantly for signs that the tumor is shrinking.  I watch his tear duct for signs that it is becoming less blocked by the tumor.  I watch the nose bleeding for signs that it is getting lighter and less frequent.  I watch how much he paws at his face and how much he drills his face into the carpet, in hope that it is less.  For any of those signs, they are not less; in fact they are more frequent.

As heart breaking as it is for us to think about losing him, it is more heart breaking to watch as this cancer devours our boy and what Hardee has to endure.  Soon, his quality of life will diminish enough that we can no longer have him suffer the pain, and we will have to make the most horrible decision of our lives.  But, it is not about us.  It has always been, and will continue to be, all about Hardee.

Today, I bought a new patriotic bandanna, with a pewter paw print accessory on it, for Hardee to wear to the Georgie Project.

Tues., Nov 23, 2010 - chemo effects

Well, we've had a rough spell with chemo for the last few days.  Saturday, Hardee started to get sick, and by that night, had gone off all food and water.  He couldn't rest or sleep, was anxious and moving around constantly, and drooling like crazy.  He kept wanting outside to eat grass and pooped numerous times.  We were up all night with him.

The next morning, Sunday, he started vomiting, just bile and grass because his stomach was empty.  I called to the place where we got HH's chemo, and the intern who was on duty for the weekend tried to convince me that it was pancreatitis.  I hung up confused that he didn't think this was the side effects from chemo.  The day continued with Hardee drooling, vomiting, being horribly uncomfortable, wandering outside in the cold rain and winds with us following him trying to get him to drink, and all of us being so exhausted from lack of sleep.

I called back to the intern at 2:30 pm, and he had left for the day.  I said to call him back in because I was bringing my dog in.  Jim took Hardee to the hospital while I waited for the interns call.  When he did call back, I told him I wanted some fluids in Hardee and a shot of an anti-nausea med.  He complied and gave them subcutaneous, and also gave him a shot of Pepcid.  Hours later, it still didn't seem to help Hardee, and by now bloody diarrhea had started.  Hardee still wasn't eating or drinking.  I tried to stay up all night, again, to be able to take Hardee out if needed, but I was so exhausted I fell asleep in the recliner.  Hardee had a big explosion on the family room carpet.....poor boy.  What a mess.

The next morning, Monday, I called and made an appointment with a holistic vet hoping to get some help for Hardee.  Hardee ate about 5 small pieces of boiled chicken, took about 3 licks of water, and I got a pill in him with a small amount of peanut butter that morning.  The bloody diarrhea continued while we waited for our appointment that afternoon.

The holistic vet appointment did not go as well as I had hoped.  His schedule was way behind and we waited for awhile.  He was a nice guy that talked constantly, and only wanted to talk about what he might be able to do for the tumor.  When I could finally get a word in, our appointment time was up, and he had 2 patients waiting.  I told him I would wait until he had a couple more minutes for us.  We were there for 3 hours, and I didn't get much accomplished, but Hardee was starting to perk up.  This vet seems to be willing to work with me about supplying me with fluids to give Hardee subcutaneously at home.  We got a couple things that I don't know are working yet and didn't start until Monday night.  Hardee had bloody diarrhea in their parking lot, but he had been holding it for hours while we waited.  We barely made it out the door.

By the time we got home late afternoon, Hardee wanted to eat finally, for the first time in 2 days (except for those 5 small bites of chicken earlier).  I rejoiced, while Hardee ate the rest of the chicken breast and a scrambled egg, but only drank a little.  I put some kibble in his bowl but he turned his nose up at that, but I left it in his bowl in case he changed his mind.  After he had more diarrhea, he crashed and slept hard for the first time in 2 days after his meal.  I stayed up with him last night because of what had happened the night before.  We were in and out all night, and Hardee finally did eat his kibble overnight.

Tonight, Tuesday night, Hardee is still not 100% but that will take a little time.  He seems to be bouncing back quicker than I thought.  I have him drinking some electrolyte replacement fluids, though he's not drinking as much as I would like.  He's lost a couple pounds and is still very tired, but his appetite is back almost 100%.  He got grilled salmon, a little rice and veggies for dinner and happily ate it.  He still has bloody diarrhea, but hopefully we'll get that under control soon.  His body temp is still very low, but I always keep him covered with a blanket.

Today I called to So Cal, where we had our radiation done, and made an appointment for a consultation with the other oncologist down there next Monday.  I don't feel we are getting the best care for Hardee up here, and I'd like to consult with someone else about a plan.  Yes, I know I'm getting desperate, but I truly feel that it is not Hardee's time to go yet and we are hoping for a few more months.  Hardee has rallied, and it gives me hope.  There were times these last days that I wondered, and we cried a lot about decisions made and those we have ahead of us.  We wondered what we were doing to our boy.  Our fight is back though, and we have the enemy to defeat.

We hope to get some joy back for the little moments that occur, but it is still all about Hardee.

Fri., Nov 19, 2010 - still tired

Because HH is still tired, I tried to find something to do with him today that would bring him some joy that didn't require much energy expenditure.  I took a lounge chair out back, and HH got in my lap and we snuggled.  The sky was mostly overcast with peeks of sunshine, temps in the 60s, but windy.  We have a storm moving in.  I took a big beach towel out with me in case we got chilly. 

We stayed outside for about an hour, with me petting him and talking to him.  I told him the story, again, of the first time I ever laid eyes on him when we went to pick him up from his breeder at the Mission Circuit dog show, and how I fell instantly in love with him.  It was the Thursday before Memorial Day, the day of the Southern California Portuguese Water Dog Club's Independent Specialty in late May 2005.  Little did we know then what a big part that club would become in our lives as we ventured forward 3 years later into agility and water, Hardee's faves.  That club and it's members taught us all things Portuguese Water Dog (PWD), namely Susan & John, who were big influences in HH's life.

As we laid there snuggling, I told HH about how he looked when we met him.  HH was 10.5 weeks old, almost 11 weeks, when we picked him up and at 8 weeks, his breeder had shaved him down.  He was this little naked, dark brown & white pup, and everyone thought he was a Springer Spaniel pup.  He was wearing a red rolled leather collar and had a matching leash, which I still have.  From that day forward, red became his color.  Red just happens to be my favorite color also, so it was a match made in heaven.  As a joke, HH's breeder later sent me some Springer Spaniel note cards.  I'll finish the story of HH's first days with us later.

As I petted HH, I looked at him.  Most of the hair that he lost from radiation has grown back.  He still has a bald patch on the top of his nose that extends up between the eyes and slightly down the sides of the muzzle and towards his nose, but even that area has some very fine hairs in it trying to grow.  Most of the hair has grown back white, instead of brown, but of the hair that has grown back brown, it is a much darker brown so he has some clear cut areas where the different colors meet but only if you look hard.  I had him and I wrapped in a bright but deep, dark blue beach towel that looked gorgeous against his dark brown.  For a moment I thought about changing his color to this blue, instead of red.

As I wrote earlier, HH is tired.  He just got done drilling his face into the carpet again, showing me that the tumor is bothering him.  He has been drinking a LOT of water but has been peeing it out also, unlike after radiation where his body utilized all the extra water he consumed.  HH also has a odor coming from him that smells bad.  Chemo odor?  I don't know.  He's never had doggy gas before and I don't think he does now.  I think he has an upset tummy from the chemo, even on the anti-nausea med, and I think this smell is coming up from little burps that I cannot hear.  He seems uncomfortable and moves around quite a bit trying to find a comfortable position.  Also, he is constipated.....poor boy.

Hardee's cooler arrived from the Georgie Project today.  It's the cooler that he will ride in to the University of Utah for his autopsy, when the time comes.  I was almost sick to my stomach today when the doorbell rang because I knew what it was that UPS was leaving.  I asked that they send it without a signature needed because I knew I wouldn't be able to face that delivery.  It still sits at the front door.  I'll have Jim put it in the shed when he comes home.  Reality is trying to smack me in the face, but I won't have any part of it just yet.  There are just some things that I am not ready for.

Tomorrow will bring another day with a joyful experience for my boy.  I think we'll take him to Dairy Queen.  We'll still try to find some joy in the moment, and it will always be all about Hardee.

Thurs., Nov. 18, 2010 - day after chemo

While Hardee sleeps, I write.  HH looks so peaceful and healthy while he rests, and there lies the deceptive aspect of cancer.  Our enemy lurks right under our noses (no pun intended), and he strikes with tenacity.  This enemy is ferocious, and I scrambled yesterday trying to devise an alternate battle plan.  This enemy of mine will NOT take my boy without more fight from me.  Though, I fear my enemy is stronger than my plan of attack.  Oh how I wish that pure love was enough to be victorious.

Today, HH is tired.  He is resting up for his walk this afternoon with his most favorite of little people, Tally.  They love each other so much and HH has known her since she was born.  Tally is now 3 and old enough to walk the track, instead of being in her stroller.  Hardee would diligently walk next to Tally's stroller almost daily when she was younger, guarding her as we walked.  And by guarding her, I mean waiting for her to throw some of her snacks out onto the ground for him to get.  It was a game they both enjoyed. 

Yesterday was a long day.  I took HH to the Oncologist at 8am, and we didn't get home until 5:30pm.  The wait was agonizing for me, and I didn't get to see HH at all until he was discharged at 5pm.  Besides being tired and his back leg swollen and red from the IV and chemo, I haven't seen any adverse signs from the chemo yet.  HH gets an anti-nausea med each day for 5 days, and I have meds to fight diarrhea, if that happens.  The only other medication that Hardee gets is Tramadol for pain.  We'll start him on an anti-inflammatory soon, but we don't want to overwhelm his already taxed immune system just now.  I've even stopped his Claritin for his allergies.  He goes back in one week for more bloodwork to see how his organs are faring on the chemo.

Each day I will try to find something to do that brings HH some joy and I will try to find some joy in each moment with Hardee, but I find no joy in life.  As long as there is breath left in me, it will always be all about Hardee.

Wed., Nov 17, 2010 - Today's results

Today's CT shows that the tumor has grown substantially from 2 weeks ago.  HH is getting chemo now, but Dr V said he does not hold much hope.  

I find no joy today, but it is still all about Hardee.

Mon., Nov. 15, 2010 - Hardee's nose bleed

Well, our Veteran's Day and weekend did not go as planned.  On Thursday, Veteran's Day, we had an agility trial that started in the afternoon.  Jim gave Hardee a bath Thurs. morning, and during the sneezing episode that followed the bath, Hardee really started bleeding and flinging blood everywhere.  We'd think we would have it under control, and it would start again.  His nose bleed continued for 4 days, and sometimes would be dripping continuously.  It is much better today, but it was truly scary to witness, especially after it went on for so long.

By yesterday afternoon, when Hardee's gums started getting pale, I was really worried.  I placed a call to Dr P, but I have not heard back from him yet.  I also called to Dr V (local oncologist that we saw Wed) this morning early, and I just heard back from him tonight.  He agrees that this can be a worrisome sign of what the tumor is doing.  The tumor can be growing, but he also said that it could be that the tumor is dying.  I also told him about his right eye watering again, so I know the tear duct is blocked again by the tumor.  The right eye watering with the nose bleeds tends to lean us towards the tumor growing.

Our options are to CT again since it has been 2 weeks since the last CT to compare the scans for growth, or go ahead and start chemo as our last ditch option and CT again in 6 weeks, after HH has had 2 doses of chemo.  Dr V said he would NOT hold off chemo just because Hardee was anemic from bleeding so much, and that he could give him a blood transfusion before he did chemo, depending on what his blood tests showed.  I think I'll take him in Wed. to start chemo, but I need to talk to Jim about it, and he's not home from work yet.  Keep in mind that chemo doesn't generally work for nasal tumors.

Never......ever......did I want to be writing these words just yet, but I think I'll call The Georgie Project and order a container to have on hand to send Hardee to them when the time comes.  The Georgie Project is a collaboration between owners of PWDs (Portuguese Water Dogs) and the scientists at the University of Utah where they study the genetics of PWDs.  They perform a complete, detailed autopsy and send you the results and the ashes of your beloved dog.  There has been talk on the PWD list lately about this, reminding me that I need to do this.  Though it seems like defeat to me, I know we are on last ditch options, and I need to do this.  I want Hardee's body to go somewhere he can help.  I hope the vets will help me package him for shipping as I don't have any PWD people out here to help me.

It's been a couple hours since I wrote that last paragraph, which was very hard for me to write.  During my break, Jim has come home and we've have time to talk.  I'm going to call Dr V and schedule for another CT.  While the CT is being done, hopefully they'll get the blood work results back, so we'll know whether or not a transfusion is needed.  After we've had time to compare the CT results, I'll decide about the chemo.  If they can do that all in one day, plus administer the chemo if needed, then that's the route we'll take.  Hardee gets so upset when I take him into Dr V's that I don't want to have to do it 2 days in a row, and if we're going to try chemo, it needs to be soon.  I hope our troops can rally to get through this.

Until then, it is still all about joy and all about Hardee.  Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Wed., Nov. 10, 2010 - Chemo

Finally, we are home from the oncologist appointment.  We had to wait an hour, and Hardee gets so upset there that we almost left before being seen.  It is so stressful for him.  This place is where Hardee was first diagnosed, had a couple surgeries, spent time in their ICU, etc., and he doesn't like it there.  I felt so badly for him while we waited and he panicked, that I felt physically sick to my stomach.  I wonder how I will take him back there and leave him for chemo treatments.

I sat there getting mad at Jim because he has never had to take Hardee to one appointment, not one CT scan, not one radiation treatment, not one surgery or biopsy....nothing.  It was displaced anger though, when what I was truly upset about was the waiting and what it was doing to Hardee.  It is sad though that Hardee didn't even want to get in the car to go with me today because he knows that I always take him somewhere where people do things to him that hurt and they separate him from his Mom.  It's all so heartbreaking and so hard to do.

Dr. Vaughan thinks we should do chemo now but said we can start it anytime.  He said that he talked to Dr. Proulx about where they were with Hardee's case.  He reminded me that radiation can take awhile to work, and I reminded him that it had been 2.5 months.  He agreed that we were reaching the end of the efficacy phase of the radiation.  I also told him about the biopsy results that showed NO evidence of necrotic tissue, and he agreed that was something to worry about.

Dr V recomended the IV chemo over the pills to try for nasal tumors.  They would use 2 different types of chemo given every 3 weeks, alternating the drugs.  Unlike radiation that can take a long time to work, chemo acts quickly, so we should know whether chemo is actually working fairly quickly.  Hardee would probably lose his hair though.  That concerns me heading into winter.  A friend sent Hardee a very nice jacket that she no longer used, but it is too big for him to wear outside to potty.  He wears it to sleep at night though.

I asked about quality of life for Hardee while on chemo.  As we've all heard, dogs supposedly handle chemo better than humans, but each dog can react differently.  There are limited types of chemo that can possibly work for nasal tumors, but if he doesn't do well on one, we can try another.  Dr V said that Hardee could possibly still run agility while on chemo depending on how his body handled the poison.  We only have outdoor agility trials here in So. Nev., So. Cal., and Arizona, and Hardee can't wear a jacket while running, so I think agility would be out for the winter, as would his other performance sports.

So much to think about and consider.  Jim isn't home from work yet, so we haven't had a chance to discuss this yet.  We are so grateful Jim has a job though. 

Tomorrow starts a 4 day agility trial for us.  If HH feels up to it, we'll try rally and obedience also.  It will be a wonderful 4 days to be able to forget our worries and just have fun with our boy.  We'll worry about decisions later.  As always, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!!  Our fingers and paws are crossed for some more QQs.

Happy Veterans Day, Jim!!

Tues., Nov. 9, 2010 - Considering options

My head hurts from trying to weigh the options and make the right decision.  A friend wrote "one thing I know is that there is no wrong answer, no incorrect way to approach something unknown."  While I appreciate those words terribly, I still don't want to make the wrong decision;  the decision that affects Hardee's life, or his quality of life.  Another friend wrote "sometimes we love so much that we lose perspective."  I don't want to lose perspective either, though.  My head is tired from trying to figure it all out.  Thank you, friends, for giving me something to think about.

I did call and schedule an appointment with the medical oncologist in town for tomorrow at noon.  I need to know the chemo options.  Dr. Vaughan did give me some info on chemo when I saw him last back in Aug., right after Hardee was diagnosed when he referred us to Dr P in So Cal.  I read that info again this morning and have some questions.  The kick ass of chemo isn't listed on my info, and I want to find out why it isn't an option.  There is one listed where you have to wear gloves to handle the pill, and clean up any urine and feces as soon as the dog potties, especially when there are other animals around.  That's a little scary that I would be giving that poison to my dog.

Another point to consider is quality of life.  Hardee loves to be out there competing, especially running agility and doing water work.  He wouldn't be able to do that on chemo, so would he be happy laying around the house, too tired to go out, with other side effects of chemo happening, all for the slim possibility of chemo helping him.  It might possibly extend his life a little, but would it be a happy life for Hardee or would it just be selfishness on my part.

Last night I was really leaning towards chemo.  Today, I'm not so sure.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll know more to base an informed decision on.

One thing I am sure of.  It is all about joy and all about Hardee!  And for as long as it is in our power, it always will be.

Mon., Nov. 8, 2010 - Biopsy results

About an hour ago, Dr P called me back with the biopsy results and he's stumped and doesn't know exactly what to make of them.  The biopsy results clearly showed nasal chondrosarcoma cells which is bad news.  More bad news is that the biopsy didn't say anything about any dead or necrotic tissue which Dr P would have expected to see because of the radiation.  The only glimmer of hope is that the biopsy showed no evidence of tumor cells dividing. 

These results might not be reflective of the whole tumor though.  I mentioned in my last post about the fact that because we had done radiation, a part of the tumor can be doing something different than where the biopsy was taken from.  So, we don't know if this is the original tumor that just wasn't killed by the gamma knife radiation, if it is the original tumor that still might die from the radiation and is just taking longer than expected to die, or if this is a new tumor that has grown after the radiation killed the original tumor.  It's all very confusing to me, and also Dr P.

Dr. P prides himself on his gut feelings that he has for his animal patients and what their outcomes might be.  For the first time, Dr P doesn't have a gut feeling on how this will turn out.  This doesn't sit well with me, and I don't know where to go from here.

Our options are limited.  One option is to wait it out and CT again in 2 months to see what the tumor is doing, and if the radiation did any more to kill the tumor.  I don't think I can just wait around for another 2 months to see what the tumor is doing.  That scenario doesn't fit into my being proactive plan.  The other slim possibility is to try chemotherapy.  Chemo doesn't generally work for nasal tumors and is very expensive, not that gamma knife radiation wasn't.  Dr P said he might not try the chemo route until he saw positive proof in 2 months that the radiation hadn't cleared the tumor since in nasal tumors chemo is used as a last resort.

If we did try chemo now and the tumor did shrink when we CT again in 2 months, we would have no way of knowing whether the chemo or radiation killed the tumor.  I needed to know if that aspect played any role in what Dr P was telling me now as far as choices.  I said my dog's life has to come before his research, and he agreed 100%.  I would like to not do anything to screw up this new field of gamma knife radiation research so that what Hardee has been through will benefit others who come after us, but not at the expense of Hardee's life.

We haven't has enough time to digest these latest results yet or sit down and talk about it as a family (Jim is still at work), but I am leaning towards the chemo last ditch option.  I need to try anything and everything to save my boy.  I'll talk to Jim tonight about scheduling an appointment with the local oncologist to see what he has to say.

Even with our news today, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!  Please keep the faith.

Sat., Nov. 6, 2010 - We are finally home

It's been awhile since I have written, but we are finally home, sweet home.

Last Tuesday, we went for Hardee's first post radiation CT scan, earlier than planned.  Dr. Proulx also did another biopsy of the tumor to see what we are dealing with currently.  As I wrote in my last post, the results should be back this Monday or Tuesday.  The problem with another biopsy is where the samples are taken and whether the results reflect the whole tumor.  What I mean by that is depending on where you take tumor tissue from, because we have done radiation, the tumor can be dead or dying in spots and live and growing in other areas.  We have no way of knowing if the biopsy results are actually reflective of the whole tumor and what it is actually doing. 

Dr Proulx said he will be devastated if the biopsy shows live tumor and doesn't know why the radiation wouldn't work.  He will not be the only one devastated.  The New York facility that also does gamma knife radiation does a setting of 10 for 3 days for their gamma knife treatments.  Dr. Proulx did a 14 setting on Hardee for 3 days.  The New York facility case study showed a nasal tumor growing back in a year, so Dr. P has been increasing his settings trying to get better results.  Of the 2 dogs with nasal tumors that Dr. P did gamma knife on before Hardee, the first one died because the tumor was so far advanced into the brain before they caught it that they didn't think it would work, but the owners wanted to try anyway.  The second dog was done a month and a half before Hardee, so there hadn't been enough time since radiation to be able to do a post radiation scan yet.  Hardee was the third dog, and since Hardee, another dog has been gamma knifed, ironically from Vegas also.  I asked how the second dog was doing and if the radiation had killed the tumor, and another irony, those owners called the day after I called Dr. P saying that I was seeing some worrisome signs, and they were saying the same thing and they come next week for their CT scan.  This is very worrisome news to me.

Hardee did a lot of bleeding after this biopsy also.  He stayed the night at the hospital for bleeding control and was still bleeding when I picked him up the next afternoon.  I took Hardee out to feed him before we started the trip back to my Mom's because for some reason they had not fed him yet, and he started sneezing which blew bright red blood everywhere.  After trying to control the bleeding in the parking lot to no avail, I took him back in where they took him to the back again.  That really upset him and he bled more.  They gave him an injectable sedative, iced his nose again, and told me to come back in an hour.  When I came back in an hour later, they wanted to keep him overnight again but I said no.  They sent him home with oral sedatives to try and keep him down and quiet until the bleeding could stop.  He is also on antibiotics to help with any infection while his immune system is weakened, unlike the last biopsy when he got that horrible infection.

Hardee is still bleeding, but each day we see less blood come out of his nose, especially when he sneezes.  Last night I finally felt comfortable enough to try the trip home from my Mom's house, and we got home late.  Hardee rides in his crate right behind the drivers seat, and I cannot see him if he really starts bleeding again where it doesn't stop.  I can hear him sneezing, then I worry.  I gave HH another sedative right before we left, so hopefully he would sleep during the drive and not be so excited to see his Dad when we got home that the bleeding would start again heavily.  Today is the first day I haven't used the sedatives, and HH seems to be doing fine without them.

The amount of bleeding after this biopsy worries me.  I know that tumors have quite a bit of blood supply, thus the reason they can grow so quickly.  But, it seems to me that if this tumor was dead or dying, it wouldn't have this amount of blood supply.  Dr P says differently, but I still worry.  My Mom says that if I didn't have anything to worry about I couldn't live, so maybe it is just me worrying too much again.  I still dread the biopsy results coming this week but am anxious to know also.  I will worry though how reflective the results are of the tumor as a whole. 

I'm not sure about this whole gamma knife radiation and how well it works.  I am convinced that it was Hardee's best shot at survival though.  We couldn't have put him through traditional radiation and it's horrible effects.  I'm not sure where we go from here.  We'll see what the results show on Monday.  I hope that regardless of Monday's results, Hardee's gamma knife radiation experience will help formulate a better plan for other owners whose dogs have nasal tumors.  I just hope it works for Hardee.

We love HH so much and cannot imagine our lives without him.  We have been blessed by his presence and would do anything in our power for him.  He deserves whatever we can do for him.  He has brought us so much happiness in his five years with us.  I wish that pure love was enough to save our boy because we have that.  Here, it is still all about joy and all about Hardee, and we hope it stays that way for many years to come.  Keep those fingers and paws crossed!!

Tues., Nov. 2, 2010 - Hardee is spending the night in ICU

Well, I kind of don't have good news, but I don't have bad news, yet, either....just neutral news.  In other words, we don't know yet.

The CT scan clearly showed a smaller mass.  I'm going to guessimate about 60-75% of what was there previously, so about 25-40% smaller.  I saw the scans and compared them.  What we don't know is if that is the same tumor, if it is dead tumor or dying tumor, or if it is the tumor that has regrown.  Dr. Proulx did biopsies, thus the bleeding, but we won't know the results for a week (next Monday or Tuesday).

Hardee is spending the night here at Calif. Vet. Specialists for bleeding control.  Remember what I went through with him bleeding at home last time?  Well, Dr. Proulx said he probably couldn't sleep well if I took him home tonight because he still is bleeding quite a bit.  They had his poor little nasal passage flushed with cold water, with cold packs on it, to help control the bleeding.  He is also on antibiotics. 

They asked if I wanted to say good night to him, but I declined.  For my sake, I wanted desperately to do that, but for his sake, I didn't.  He would get too excited about seeing me, bleed more, and not understand why I wasn't taking him with me.  I'll have to drive 110 miles back to my Mom's tonight and come back and get him tomorrow.

Rest well, my little bubs.  Mama loves you and misses you terribly.  I'll cry myself back to Grandma's and see you tomorrow.  Until then, I'll try to remember, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.

Sunday, Oct. 31, 2010 - Good news and bad news

Since I have both good and bad news, I'll start with the good news first.

Hardee and Jim had the best weekend in agility that they've ever had.  On Friday, they qualified in all 3 of their runs for their first triple Q (qualify), taking placements in all, with two 2nd places and a 3rd place.  On Sat., they double Qd, with a 1st and 2nd place.  Today, they only Qd in their jumpers run with a 2nd place, but on their standard run, Hardee made all his contacts which is success in our books...YAY!  Hardee and Jim have the double Qs they need to qualify for Nationals, but just need 6 more points.  We wouldn't go to Nationals, but it is nice to know that they could have, given Hardee gets those 6 points in 2 weekends from now at our next trial.  I'm so proud of them both.  Hardee just LOVES agility!!  It brings such joy to me to see him run.

Hardee and I had success in the rally ring also.  Rally was Sat. & Sun, and we double Qd each day for our 2nd and 3rd legs towards our RAE (Rally Advanced Excellent) title.  On Sat., we got scores of 98 and 100 for our runs, and on Sun., we got a 99 and a 98.  We had many ring conflicts, but we worked them out and made all of our runs before it was too late.  I was very proud of Hardee in rally also.

Now obedience was another story.  We are in Open A, and on Sat., it was HORRIBLE all the way around.  Jim stood ring side and had treats in his pocket.  Hardee would not concentrate on me, and only wanted Jim's treats.  Today was a better performance.  I banned Jim from the rally and obedience side of the field, and out of a possible 200 points, we had a 195.5 score going into our long, out of sight, sits and downs.  The group sits and downs are the very last part of our competition day, and by today, after 3 days of being at this trial competing in 3 different venues, HH was very tired.  During the long sits, the dog next to him went down, and the judge said Hardee looked over at the dog when it went down, contemplated it for a second, and went hmmmm, I think I'll lay down also, and down he went.  Disappointing, but not unexpected given everything he has done for us this weekend.  He gave us his all.  Hardee was a champion this weekend, and we are so proud of him!

Now onto the bad news.  Besides all the signs that I blogged about in my last post that caused me to call and schedule H's next CT scan earlier than planned, our most precious boy has now started to bleed from his nose again....an ominous sign.  It is not dripping out, but comes out when he sneezes.  Jim is working out of town this week again, so H and I will head to SoCal tomorrow to face this alone, again.  I do not fault Jim.  If he wasn't working, we wouldn't have been able to make arrangments to pay for H's care.  It's just that he's not been able to make any Drs. appointments, surgeries, CT scans, or radiation treatments, etc.  I fear the results on Tuesday and wish Jim could be there with me.

I know that some of you will question our decision to work HH this weekend.  To us, it is still about balancing quality of life with rest.  Hardee would not be content to sit home, and he loves to work.  Anyone who saw his runs this weekend cannot say he wasn't happy to be there and loved what he was doing.

I'm asking all who care for Hardee for help.  We need your prayers, your good karma, your positive thoughts, your healing vibes, whatever it is you can give as far as well wishes, to send them Hardee's way for a better result for Tuesday's scan than what I fear.  It would be greatly appreciated.

Until then, we will love him as much as we can, and celebrate each day that we have with our most precious boy.  As always, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!!!  You know we wouldn't have it any other way.  And as Christy says, "everybody loves Hardee!"

Wed., Oct. 27, 2010 - Hardee's next CT scan

I'm scared again. 

Just within the last few days or so, Hardee is displaying some signs that are worrisome to me.  He's started to drill his face into the carpet again, paw at his face, dig at his right ear, and let out big yelps after a face rubbing episode.  His sneezing has been gradually increasing, is often out of control, and getting worse, not better.

I could be patient no longer and left a message with Dr. Proulx yesterday.  He called me back late last night, and I will be taking Hardee to So Cal next week for another CT scan.  He agrees with me that the signs I have been seeing from Hardee need to be investigated.  Dr. Proulx said it could just be a dead piece of tumor caught up in his nasal passage that they could try to flush out, or something worse.  If the tumor is growing again, I can't wait until the middle to end of Nov. to scan again.  I need to be proactive, instead of reactive, as best I can.

Keep good thoughts for us next Tuesday afternoon, which is when the CT is scheduled.  I'll head down to my Mom's house on Monday.  Where she lives in the mountains of So Cal, I can't get cell phone reception, and my wireless internet reception doesn't work.  I'll try to get on my Mom's computer to post an update, or I'll go into town where I can get reception to post.

I'll try desperately not to think about the possibilities, I'm sure to no avail.  We have a semi-local trial this weekend, and I'd hate for my worries to transfer down the lead to Hardee, but he knows my feelings already.  Depending on how Hardee is feeling, we are entered in obedience, rally and agility.  He'll let me know what he feels up to doing.

Until then, I am scared s***less, but it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  Keep your fingers and paws crossed for us.

Thurs - Oct.14, 2010 - HH update, after a long break

It has been quite a while since I wrote an update on our Hardee boy.  I got very discouraged about putting information out there about Hardee since people took it upon themselves to write me privately telling me everything I was doing wrong with our boy and telling me what I should be doing instead.  Most of these people don't even know me or Hardee.  Every move we have made involving Hardee's activities has been cleared by Hardee's specialists, and we want only the best for our boy.  We balance what Hardee loves to do with rest and recuperation, but we believe in Hardee having good quality of life also.

Hardee is doing well currently, except we are battling another eye infection in his radiated eye.  Dr. Proulx (radiation oncologist) didn't know if Hardee's hair on his face and head would grow back since he wasn't supposed to lose it, but in some areas there is quite a bit of new hair growth.  Other areas are still bald.  All the sores have healed on his face finally, right before we left for the Specialty.  There hasn't been any discharge or bleeding from his nose for at least a month.  He still rubs and bats at his face, but not as much as previously.  I do believe he is breathing better, so that gives me hope that the gamma knife radiation is working to kill the tumor.  Hardee's body hair is also growing back slowly since I shaved him down with a 10 blade a month ago.  He still gets chilly, but a friend sent him a very nice jacket that she no longer uses to keep him warm.  He still sneezes quite a bit and does this 'choking type - trying to clear something from his throat' noise like there is something back there he wants to come out.  Tumor???  It's scary when I think about it, and we live for the day we can CT scan again.

We finished Hardee's radiation on Aug. 27th.  They told me then to give the radiation 2-3 months to work, and then we could CT scan again.  Originally, they told me 2 months but then changed it to 3 months.  I've decided to give them 2.5 months, so that means in one month we can CT scan again to see what the tumor is doing.  I'd like to go to Carlsbad, CA, where we had Hardee's radiation treatment, for the CT scan because then they can compare immediately the current scan against the previous scans to give me some sort of idea of the result before we have to wait for the radiologists reading.   They do have copies of his scans here in Vegas also as this was the first place that Hardee got scanned.  I'll have to compare prices first before we decide where to have the next CT scan done and the subsequent scans since they cost over two grand for each one, and Hardee will have to be scanned every 2-3 months to check on the tumor.  Hardee's cancer has cost over 25 grand so far (and that was all within a couple weeks in Aug), and it is unlimited as to other treatments and scans.  He is so worth it though, and we will do whatever we can, as long as we can.

We got back earlier this week from our first Portuguese Water Dog National Specialty where we competed in water, agility, rally, and obedience.  Anyone who saw Hardee work at the Specialty cannot say that he did not want to be there working and competing.  He loves the water and agility, and barks his head off doing each in his excitement.  Hardee completed his working water dog level again and got a very nice, colorful rosette and purple slip lead.  It was for exhibit only since he had already achieved that level last summer, but we lost too much training time with him being sick this summer to compete for the courier level.  In agility, he had some nice, fast runs and placed first in Exc. B Jumps with Weaves, and second in FAST.  He got some very nice rosettes and pewter boxes.  We qualified in both of our rally runs for our first Rally Advanced Excellent leg.  Hardee wasn't thrilled with the rain that day since he has no hair to protect him from the wet and cold, and he didn't perform the way he usually does, but I was still pleased. 

Obedience was thrilling and heart breaking at the same time.  It was our first time competing at the Open A level.  The rain had finally stopped, but the ground was still soggy and cold.  We were the second dog in for Open, and the grass was still very wet.  On his drop on recall exercise, that I have NEVER had trouble with before, when the judge signalled for me to drop him and I told him to 'down', he stopped immediately but just sat instead of downing.  He didn't want to put his bare belly down on that cold, wet grass.  That automatically knocked us out of a qualifying score.  I was disappointed, but I understood.  I was the one who shaved him, so it was my fault.  We would have had a 194.5 score if not for that one down.  Still, I was pleased with his first performance in Open, and would have been very pleased with a 194.5 out of 200 possible points.

We overheard many comments about how Hardee looked....some not very nice.  Many people thought he was improperly coated, not that there is anything wrong with that, but he is properly coated, just not now ;-).  We heard many say "is that a PWD?"  If they asked us specifically, we would explain.  If not, we would just ignore their comments because we knew they didn't know or understand.  One thought he had mange!

All in all, we had a good time at the Specialty.  We didn't get to socialize much at all or meet very many people because we stayed in the room in the evenings trying to get Hardee some rest.  During the day, we were competing and busy volunteering.  I went out of the room a couple nights to do my volunteer Boutique job, but Hardee doesn't rest when I am gone.  He's a mama's boy and likes me there.  Due to some very nice angels, we did get to attend the awards dinner and received Hardee's Gold and Silver Register of Merit awards.  Those awards are so special to us, especially now, because we don't know if Hardee will be able to attend another Specialty.  He is our first PWD and our first competition dog, and we are so proud of him and his accomplishments.  He is also our breeders first Bronze, Silver and Gold Register of Merit dog.  Even though she doesn't recognize him, we hope that she is somehow proud of him and all of his accomplishments, and we are thankful that she selected him for us.

It will be a long month waiting for the next CT scan with not a lot to keep us busy to take our minds off of the wait.  We don't compete again until the last weekend of the month where we will be doing agility, rally and obedience each day at a semi-local trial.  I'm so anxious to find out how how much of our enemy, the tumor, died during the radiation   

For our skeptics and those that will still find a way to criticize, Hardee is not sick.  He has cancer, but he is not sick and hasn't been for quite awhile now.  If you saw him at the Specialty, you would know.  He does require more rest, which we make sure he gets.  We did NOT train at all or go to lessons when he was sick.  I do have a vet friend who sees him weekly now, and she makes sure we have what we need for Hardee, if we need anything.  We only train one obedience lesson (< 1 hour) a week, IF we are in town, so it isn't even each week.  Once in awhile just lately, I'll try to do a drop in rally run through.  Hardee and Jim haven't trained agility in months, almost 4.  Water season has ended, so that is not even an issue, but we missed a couple months of training water this summer.  I don't know what people have in their minds that we do, but I'm trying to set the record straight.  We do not have any agility equipment at home, nor do we do any other at home training.  Really, we are quite lazy.  When, or if, Hardee can ever go back to tracking, we'll try to go out once a week for a track during the winter when the snakes are hibernating and that's it.  I really shouldn't have to explain myself and my choices for MY dog, but I feel the need to, for those that have questioned our training, to set the record straight.  I am pleased to say that Hardee is naturally gifted and we don't have to train that much :)  I do have goals that I wanted to accomplish with Hardee, but now don't know if they will ever come to fruition.  We take each day as it comes and make the best decisions that we can for our boy and us.  We don't know any other way.

Hardee has brought so much happiness into our lives, and we owe him so much.  We will do whatever we can for our most precious boy.  Every day that we continue to have him in our lives is a gift that we do not take for granted now.  Hardee is joy to us, and it is all about joy and of course, all about Hardee!!  Stick with us as we continue our fight.

Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2010 - Hardee is naked

Hardee is naked, except for his flag of course.  As HH continued to lose more hair on his face and head, I tried to shave his muzzle back much farther than normal to blend with the hair loss areas.  That only made HH look like big bird.  I couldn't take the big yellow bird look anymore and shaved him down.  We had been growing his coat out so he would look good at the National Specialty for PWDs.  Oh well.....it is what it is.  We've grown used to the look now, but at first it was quite startling.  He doesn't look like himself at all, but it is growing on me.

One of the bad aspects of shaving H down is that he is cold.  It's still been in the hundreds here, so the air conditioning is running full blast with the ceiling fans whirling.  I didn't realize HH was cold and shivering until Monday night.  Since H's nose has still been draining occasionally, he's been sleeping out in the family room on a recliner with Jim sleeping on the sofa with him.  It wasn't until Jim went out of town for work that Hardee was in bed with me, and I could feel him shivering.  HH now has his own blanket that I cover him with, even while he is sleeping during the day.  Every time HH changes position, I get up and cover him again.  I'm a light sleeper, so at night I usually catch every time H changes position also to recover him.

At our obedience lesson yesterday morning at 6am, it was chilly also for Hardee and our instructor's grass was very wet from the sprinklers.  We live in the desert and since I've never seen H cold before, I don't have a jacket for him.  At the last minute, I tried to fashion something to try and keep HH warm.  I put one of Jim's tee shirts on H and tied it up around the hips.  It was all baggy in the front and his leg kept getting stuck in one of the arm holes, so I put H's water harness on him to try and keep the shirt up closer to H's body.  He looked extremely goofy, and he walked funny.  Luckily, we have a private obedience lesson, but it is in her front yard where people jog by and there is a bus stop for kids.  Hardee was extremely embarrassed, or maybe that was me that was embarrassed.  We'll be going to PetSmart soon for a jacket or sweater.

Another bad aspect of shaving Hardee is that his allergies have been much worse.  Come to find out his long hair usually shields him from a lot of the allergens that bother him.  This past weekend, we went to So. Cal. to run agility and H's allergies went nuts.  Hardee erupted everywhere, and he bit, licked, and scratched sores all over his body.  The grass he was on was mostly weeds, and his body did not like it at all.  I had stopped his allergy shots while Hardee's immune system is compromised with the cancer.  I didn't want to stress his immune system anymore than it already is.  I've placed a call to Hardee's dermatologist to hopefully get something that can help him temporarily since we'll be back in So Cal. soon for a week and a half.  Hopefully the Derm. will consult with H's oncologist about drugs that won't make the tumor worse or compromise his immune system further.

Hardee has lost a little more hair on his face and head, but the hair loss seems to have leveled off.  We worry about those bald areas getting sunburned though.  I know that I could put sunscreen on him, but I worry about the sunscreen that I need to put on top of his head and forehead running down into his eyes and burning them.  Trying to think of another option, my Mom and I got a laugh this morning about her suggestion to put a bonnet on H.  Imagine that get-up that I had H in yesterday morning at obedience but now with a bonnet......poor boy!  Not sure what he'll look like or what he'll be wearing when we bring him to the Specialty, but hopefully not anything too embarrassing!

I've noticed that H sneezes a little less now, rubs his face less, and his eye infections are now gone.  He's playing with his stuffies more now and has quite a few zoomies each day.  All very good signs!!  But, I stayed awake last night worrying about what happened yesterday at obedience.  Once again, I had problems with him picking up his dumbbell.  He'd go out to get it and reach for it, but he didn't want to pick it up.  When I insisted, because I thought he was messing with me, he picked it up with just his front teeth only, just on the very end of it and not in the middle like he's supposed to.  If the tumor was actually shrinking from the radiation, you'd think that his mouth and teeth would hurt him less.  I did not see those signs yesterday, and it worries me terribly.  Also, I had given him a pain pill yesterday before we went to our obedience lesson, and he still didn't want to pick the dumbbell up.

My fear has now come back that this is an enemy that we cannot conquer.  This tumor, this horrible enemy that has invaded our lives and tries to take the life of the one that I love most, might actually win.  I go through periods of complete faith that we will conquer this enemy and banish it from our lives, but then swing to the lowest of lows where I seem to have lost all faith.  And yesterday, after obedience, I am starting that downward spiral again.  Jim is gone out of town for work again, and that might have something to do with my poor spirits.

We treasure each day that we have Hardee, and I try not to let him know when I am in poor spirits.  We try hard each day to make his life pleasurable.  Sometimes it is just extra love or snuggles, or a special adventure or treat.  As mentally down as I might get, we still find joy in each day.  Because as you all know, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  We cannot imagine our lives any other way.

Thurs., Sept. 16, 2010 - Signs of Hardee's nasal tumor

This blog post will chronicle our path through the signs of a nasal tumor.  Only problem is, we didn't know it was a nasal tumor at the time.  By writing this, I hope to spare someone else the agony of what Hardee, and both Jim and I are going through.  You can't possibly judge me as harshly as I do myself, but these signs and symptoms were easily explained away.  All the signs seem so crystal clear now.  There lies the evil of hindsight.  And so it begins.

Over three years ago when Hardee was young and Jim was deployed again, I noticed some very light, as in pinkish, blood tinged spots on my bedding.  If my bed blanket hadn't been beige, you probably wouldn't have noticed them.  There was just one spot, then a couple others over time right where Hardee slept while Jim was gone.  I took Hardee to the Vet, but because we didn't know where the blood was coming from, the vet said that maybe he had chewed something hard and that his gum was bleeding.

Hardee's crate mat is also beige, and over time, I noticed these same very light blood tinged spots on his crate mat always near the edges.  Because of where the spots were, I always suspected the nose or mouth was the source of the blood but couldn't get any Vet to take me seriously about them.  I went through many Vets over the years, disappointed in them not knowing what was wrong with our boy but also knowing that they thought I was a kook.  I wrote to some friends on a list and asked if they had any ideas.  Some suggested prostate issues and we had that checked out.  Nothing could be found, and the spots of very light tinged blood weren't showing that consistently.  I hate like hell to write this, but over time, the pinkish spots became the norm.  We still had no proof as to where the blood tinged spots were coming from.

Something Hardee did and still does that could easily be explained away was he rubbed his face on anything he could find, the ground, our legs, the chairs, the sofa, etc.  Hardee has Distichiasis (eyelashes that turn inward), and we thought he was rubbing his eyes because those eyelashes were bothering him.  Also, I had read on some of the lists that PWDs rub the walls and other things, up and down hallways, etc. so I thought this was a normal occurrence.  We now know Hardee was rubbing his face and muzzle area because of the growing tumor.

Hardee also had allergy and ear problems, and for a year we got wrapped up in that.  The very light blood tinged spots were still showing occasionally and now were a little darker, meaning not so diluted.  We continued to follow the path of the problems that had been diagnosed and ran with those.  I guess you could say we ignored the spots of light blood, still not knowing from where they came, and followed the known path hoping that if we cleared up the other problems, the blood tinged spots would go away.

Around the middle of May of this year, I had Hardee's eyes Cerfed.  Shortly after the Cerf appointment, Hardee's right eye started to water.  I called the opthamologist's office and asked if they could have done anything to plug his tear duct.  They said no.  Since Hardee was having some bad allergies at the time, I chocked it up to his allergies making his eye water.  I did wonder why it would be just one eye though.  We now know that the tumor had grown big enough to block his tear duct, thus the tearing of just one eye.

While sitting in Hardee's Dermatologist's office in late May of this year talking to the Derm., I saw a drop of light colored blood at the end of Hardee's nose.  After over three years, we finally had proof from where the blood was coming.  The Dermatologist had scoped Hardee's ears, so I asked her if she could also scope his nose.  The answer was no because she just sedates, and he would have to be under general anesthesia to have his nose scoped and needed it done by a specialist.  We tried looking up inside his nose but couldn't see anything.  I don't remember if I brought up the tearing eye to the Derm. or not, and evidently she didn't see it as she never mentioned it.  I did bring up the fact that Hardee's nose had a couple small spots where it had lost it's pigment, but she didn't have an explanation for that.

By now, monetary issues were a problem with going to a specialist.  I had lost my business due to the economy the year before and Jim had been unemployed for over a year.  We had used the last of our savings on Hardee's numerous ear and allergy problems.  We attended the last agility trial that we had already signed up for, the Mission Circuit, then I started saving money for the next couple months for his nose scoping.

This time I didn't tell friends or ask anyone about the nose blood because it was becoming a joke about my hypochondriac state that I was always in concerning Hardee.  Deep down inside I knew something was wrong with him, and I kept pursuing things trying to find the cause.  I ignored the obvious and pursued the wrong paths, but I just had never heard of a nasal tumor in dogs. Truly, I thought it was his allergies and that they were so bad that they kept his nose irritated enough to cause it to bleed just a little and his eye to water.

Hardee has always been a couch potato, except when we are out working or he is playing with other dogs.  As time went on, he seemed to play a little less with Jim at night. He slept more, but I thought he was just maturing or sedated with all the different antihistamines we were trying.  Right before his cancer diagnosis, he became even more tired. He didn't hold up as long at agility practice, but we thought it was the heat of the summer.  He wouldn't hold his long sit stay in our obedience practice anymore and kept lying down.  Also during obedience, he wouldn't pick up his dumbbell anymore, and if he did, he'd throw it down at my feet or drop it.  Little did I know his mouth and teeth were hurting from the tumor.  I couldn't figure out what was going on with him.  We also had problems tracking him.  He seemed like he had no interest in tracking anymore and would just stand there and eat grass, a sign of stress.

Another thing we noticed was that Hardee started to sneeze quite a bit.  He also made more snoring like noises while sleeping.  Once again, I attributed these signs to his allergies and that he was just going through a really bad patch with his allergies right then.  About a month or two before Hardee's diagnosis, I noticed some creamy looking, yellowish, spots on my bed blanket.  By now, I had changed the blanket color to red.  If it had been the same beige blanket, I wouldn't have noticed these spots.  I showed them to Jim, and we both came to the conclusion that it was smegma from Hardee, a penile discharge, otherwise known in our house as Hardee's "dick doo."  Turns out that was the pocket of infection back behind the tumor that would sometimes leak out past the tumor.

Going back to my hypochondriac state with Hardee, I had a Rhodesian Ridgeback that died from hemangiosarcoma right before we got Hardee.  Cessna, my RR, was my girl, and she went with me everywhere, to my office everyday, etc.  As a paramedic, I just cannot forgive myself that I didn't recognize the signs that she had a tumor on her spleen that had burst, and she went into cardiac arrest in front of me.  Deep inside, I knew something was wrong with her and kept taking Cess to the Vet also, but they couldn't find anything.  Every time I would take Hardee into the Vet for all these not very clear problems, we would always tell Cessna's brief story and how I panic now over any tiny little thing.

At the end of last year a couple times at night after dinner, Hardee seemed uncomfortable and anxious where he kept moving around a bit more than usual or just standing and staring, head down, just like Cess had done.  Most of the time these episodes were short lived where Jim didn't notice and by the time I brought it to his attention, the episode was over.  One particular night, it happened again, lasted longer this time, and I had Jim rush Hardee up to the Vet on an emergency basis.  I called the emergency line at a new Vet, embarrassed to take him to the one I had been at last because of my "hypochondriac state", got the new Vet to come back to the office after hours because I told him that I thought my dog had bloat.  This episode happened after Hardee's dinner, so I thought that might be the problem.  The new Vet couldn't find anything wrong with Hardee, once again.  Less than a week later, Hardee had bilateral ear infections, so I thought that might have been Hardee's sign to me that his ears were starting to hurt.

Writing of other health problems, my RR, Cessna, also had bad environmental allergies.  Since Hardee does also, I wonder if there is any correlation between allergies and cancer.  I know they are 2 different types of cancer, spleenic hemangiosarcoma and nasal chondrosarcoma, but still it is quite a coincidence to me: 2 dogs, 2 cancers, both with severe environmental allergies.  I wish I were a research Vet.

There were so many signs that were not clear enough to me, or numerous Vets, to pinpoint the problem.  There were other health problems that these signs could be pushed onto.  Go with your gut instinct and don't care whether they think you are a hypochondriac or not.  Keep pursuing, doggedly :), answers for your pet's problems.  Don't be a spineless wimp.  You are your pet's best health advocate, and you know your best friend better than any Vet.  Don't care whether they like you or not.  Just some pearls of wisdom that Hardee and I have had to learn the hard way, at Hardee's expense.

If anyone would like to discuss these signs and symptoms further, I'd be more than happy.  As painful as it is, I would like some good to come from Hardee's cancer, be it saving another dog, etc.  As self-centered as this sounds, somehow I would like to redeem myself for what I overlooked with Hardee's symptoms.  I'd be happy to discuss my Cessna's hemangiosarcoma also.  There were certain things I noticed there also.

We still have hope for Hardee's return to full health.  We'll live life to the fullest as long as HH is willing, and let him compete in what he loves.  Someday we hope to return to tracking.  Everyday is precious with our boy, and we try not to take his life for granted.  We will find happiness each day, and as you all know by now, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!!  We wouldn't have it any other way.

Tues., Sept. 14, 2010 - Hardee's belated birthday

On Sunday, Sept 12th, Hardee turned five and a half.  Since we don't know how long HH will grace us with his presence, we celebrate these little milestones.  He is the love of our lives, and of course, we want him with us forever but we know that is not realistic.  Until then, we will treasure him as long as we can, though it will never ever be long enough.

We spent Thurs. through Sat. at Lake Castaic in So. Cal. setting up and practicing for our breed water trial.  While there, Hardee started to get sores (ulcers) on the outside of his face.  He also had an ulcer under his ear flap on his head at the top of his ear.  Ulcers were not supposed to happen on the outside of his face, but neither was there supposed to be any hair loss.  Because Hardee had open wounds, we pulled him from the trial because he shouldn't be in the dirty lake water. 

By Saturday afternoon, Hardee also had an infection in his right eye.  Since this was the eye that got radiated, I started to panic that this might indicate that HH was going to lose that eye, which was a slim possibility from the radiation.  At the end of Sat., I abandoned my volunteer job at the water trial (so very sorry to everyone, especially Susan) and took HH back to the hotel and called Dr. Proulx.

Dr. Proulx continues to be shocked by all the side effects that Hardee has experienced that other dogs have not.  I have to keep reminding myself that Hardee is only the third dog that Dr. Proulx has radiated with the gamma knife radiation for a nasal tumor, so they don't have a lot of statistics to go by as far as side effects are concerned.  He thinks that maybe the radiation irritated his eye enough to cause the infection.  The infection then spread to Hardee's other eye with all the rubbing that Hardee does on his face.  Dr. P does NOT think that this infection is indicative of Hardee losing his eye, thank goodness.  We might have to take another trip to Carlsbad, CA for Dr. Proulx to get a look at him and to get some pictures for his files.

For Hardee's 5.5 year birthday, we spent the morning in the hotel waiting for his prescriptions to be filled for pick up.  Then, we checked out and headed home missing the last day of the water trial.  Hardee had an In-n-Out Burger for his birthday celebration the night before.  Conveniently, HH's favorite fast food was just across the street from the hotel.

Hardee's eyes are looking better and the ointment seems to be working, but his hair loss seems to get worse by the day.  By the time of our breed National Specialty, I'm not sure what he'll look like.  I know it doesn't matter how he looks, but I wish, going to our first breed Specialty where most people will see Hardee for the first time, that he looked his usual handsome self.  When you do see him, don't judge his appearance too harshly.  He doesn't seem to know and is his usual confident, happy, self.

Hardee still seems to be in pain.  Even on the pain pills, he rubs and paws at his face frequently.  Last night he pawed at his face for quite awhile before finally settling into sleep.  This morning at our obedience lesson he didn't want to hold his dumbbell, still.  I had forgotten to give him his pain pill before we went to obedience.  I usually give it to him with his breakfast, but on obedience lesson day, he works for his breakfast.  My brain wasn't functioning correctly at 5 a.m. this morning trying to make our 6 a.m. lesson, so he didn't get his pill.  Because he was in pain, he'd run out to pick the dumbbell up but would mouth it and drop it before I could take it from him.  Hopefully it won't turn into some ugly habit that I'll have to train away.  Anyway, I hope we get it fixed before the Specialty when we have to compete. 

Hardee has discharge from his nose and sores on the edge of his right nostril and up into his nose.  I'm hoping they will be healed and the drainage will be done before the Specialty.  Then all we'll have to plan is Hardee's "comb over" to try and camouflage is bald and thinning spots on his face and head.

In my concern for Hardee, I have shirked some of my duties.  I've let the pressure of the situation get to me, and my emotions have come forth.  I've been through some despair and lost hope a couple of times.  I've not always been the nicest in the stress of the moment.  For these downfalls I'm truly sorry, and I hope to be forgiven by those I've let down or offended.

We love Hardee so much and only want the best for him and his health.  We hope we shower him with love every day enough to last a lifetime and beyond.  It won't be enough for Jim and I, but we hope it is for Hardee.

Until then, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!!

Fri, Sept. 10, 2010 - Hardee's hair loss

Each day, Hardee continues to lose more hair.  His hair loss seems to be localized to his head, face, and muzzle area.  I do get more hair in the brush when I brush his body, but I haven't noticed any bald spots anywhere but his head and face area.  The bald spot that is the most noticeable is a big area under his right eye where he even seems to have a small sore that has scabbed over.  The skin showing there seems to be a little inflamed also.  I do see the missing hair areas and thinning areas more when he is wet.

I did talk to Hardee's radiation oncologist about all the hair loss.  He said he was not expecting that to happen, and he seems to think that it might be because of his breed.  His suspicion is that dogs that have hair, instead of fur, would be more likely to lose hair during radiation.  He hopes that the hair loss is not permanent, but he is not sure.  Hardee is the first Portuguese Water Dog that he has radiated, and only the third dog to get the gamma knife radiation for a nasal tumor.

Also, I talked to Dr. Proulx about why Hardee would be losing hair other than where I thought he would be radiated for the tumor area.  The loss of hair on top of his head and the left side of his muzzle back above the corner of his mouth had me stumped.  Dr. P said that the radiation enters him from numerous different angles and positions so that accounts for those hair loss areas.

Hardee seems to be in some pain.  He rubs his face whenever he can and on whatever he can find to rub it on.  Also, he'll just let out a big yelp before he goes to rubbing which leads me to think he is in pain.  I feel so badly for him.  I am helpless and want so badly to take this from him.

We are in So Cal currently, getting ready for our water trial.  We had a short practice yesterday that went better than last week's practice.  We are still not where I hoped we would be towards competing but that's understandable given all the circumstances.

Yesterday at water practice, I thought that Hardee might finally be developing the mouth ulcers because he was refusing water.  I purposely fed him kibble for dinner (though I have soft mush with me also to feed him) to see if he refused that.  He didn't, so maybe no mouth ulcers yet.  Remember that I am using his refusal to eat or drink to let me know when he has the ulcers inside his mouth.  My other choice is to wrestle him and pry his mouth open, and I don't want to grab his muzzle because I know it hurts him.

I'm still playing it by how I think Hardee feels as to whether or not we'll compete the next 2 days.  I think I know my dog well enough to know if he doesn't want to do this.  I don't hold any hope of passing though.  Until then, I'll be busy being the chief ring steward in charge of all the volunteers.  I have to make sure that all the volunteers are lined up and ready to do their jobs.  Tons of volunteers are required for a water trial, so lots to do.

Hopefully I won't be too busy to find some happy times with our boy this weekend.  Because as you know, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!!

Tues, Sept. 7, 2010 - After Labor Day weekend

It's been a while since I have written, but we took some time off for the holiday.  Plus, I've been in such a foul mood lately that I just didn't feel like writing anything upbeat when that's not how I've been feeling.  I hope for everyone else's sake, and my own, that I snap out of this mood soon.  The only one I haven't been ugly to is my precious boy, Hardee.  I'm very angry about this whole cancer crap and how young Hardee is.  I mourn the loss of his potential, and I mourn the loss of time with our boy.  He is our once in a lifetime dog, and I doubt we will have another like him.

Catching up on days I didn't write, Friday, Hardee and I rested.  Hard to do in a noisy hotel though.  Hardee needs a lot of rest right now, and I am catching up on my rest also.  Jim slept all morning, then went to set up at the agility site, then up the mountain to help my Mom with some chores.  Sat, Sun, and Mon., we had an agility trial.  It was terribly hot and humid on Sat. with a lot of flies and hornets.  As the days of the trial passed, it got a little cooler, but still had the insects.  The trial was at a horse facility.  Hardee ran very fast but was not clean.  There were some challenging courses that were hard to maneuver.  Hardee had a couple contact problems; Jim had a couple handling errors.  They qualified in a couple jumpers run, but no QQs and no standard Qs, which is what they needed.  Still, they gained some points and had a good time running.  Hardee was happy to be out there, which in turn made us happy.  Hardee still got his In-n-Out burgers because he keeps playing his cancer card.

Hardee is losing a bunch of hair, and I really noticed this last night while brushing him out.  On his head and a couple spots on his muzzle is where I really notice it, besides what is in his brush.  I don't know if this is from the radiation, but a friend mentioned that it could be from all the anesthesia.  Either way, my boy is losing his beautiful, soft hair and taking after his Dad and becoming hair follicle challenged. 

This morning we went to our weekly obedience lesson.  It went better than I expected, but he sneezed his way through our lesson.  He sneezes a lot and snorts, but even those symptoms seem to be slowing down a little.  Hardee's nose has been draining infection for about a week now, and usually he has a crusty right nostril.  Sometimes there is a little blood in the drainage.  He's developed some loss of pigmentation on his lips, and still has the purple color undertone.  He drinks a ton of water, and the input does not seem to match the output.  Also, he seems to be breathing easier.  He doesn't breathe like a fish all the time now. 

He's been on the pain pills for a week now but still his face really bothers him.  He uses his back paw to scratch at his face, paws it with his front paw, and rubs his face on anything he can find.  I'm going to increase the pain pills to 3 per day in hope that this will help with his discomfort.  No signs of mouth ulcers yet, and tomorrow will be 2 weeks from the start of radiation.  Fingers and paws crossed that HH doesn't have to go through ulcers.  Each day HHH (happy handsome Hardee) seems to get a little stronger.  This morning he was able to hold his long sit stay for the required time without laying down, and we did 2 practice sessions with that exercise.  Much better than last week.

This morning just after our obedience lesson ended, thankfully, and we got home, we had a couple brief downpours of rain.  Between downpours, H and I went outside to see if he wanted to play in some puddles because I regretted that I didn't let him after the last rain.  He didn't want to play (I think he was worn out after our obedience lesson), so we just wandered around the backyard enjoying the sight of everything washed free of dust and dirt, a rare sight in the desert.  The smells of a wet desert are wonderful.  HHH had his nose everywhere, even up in the air.  The smells were so fragrant that I think H could even smell them.  It was our moment of joy and peace for the day.

From what I wrote at the beginning of this blog post, you would think that I have given up hope.  I have NOT!  But at the same time, I'm trying to be realistic and prepare myself for what might be the inevitable.  I believe that is the root of my bad mood.  But, each day I try to find some good because it is all about joy and all about Hardee!! 

Thurs. Sept. 2, 2010 - Lake Castaic and water practice

Since I haven't noticed any signs of mouth ulcers, I took Hardee and drove to So. Calif. today for water practice for Portuguese Water Dogs at Lake Castaic.  We haven't been to practice for a month and a half, and it really showed.  HH wasn't his usual self, but that's a given.  I was hoping that because Hardee has continued to do well with agility, the same might hold true for water.  Not so.  All the exercises we had been training for, he seemed to have forgotten, and he was very confused.  He was really off today.  I have to keep reminding myself that he has cancer and has just been through quite a lot, including being so sick that he required a stay in ICU, and radiation less than a week ago. 

Because I don't know how much longer HH will be with us and we might not have a next summer (my heartbeat goes chaotic and I tear up just writing that), I really wanted to try and have Hardee ready to compete at our club's water trial next weekend.  Today, I realized that my goal is probably not going to be achieved.  Before all this cancer crap invaded and stole our oh so normal lives, H was doing very well with his water work.

One of the biggest side effects of this cancer and radiation that I noticed today is how quickly Hardee gets tired.  His stamina is gone.  His drive and love of water is still there, but his endurance is gone.  He had a hard time breathing while trying to complete some of his tasks.  Since he really cannot breathe through his nose very well, if at all, he had a hard time trying to breathe through his mouth around his big bumpers that he has to retrieve.  It would be easier if he carried the bumpers by the rope attached to the bumper end, but he doesn't and has to have the whole thing in his mouth.  Silly boy!

Jim drove down after work tonight and met us for the holiday weekend here in So. Cal.  Jim and Hardee have a 3 day agility trial that starts on Saturday.  I go watch them because I am their ASS (agility support staff or agility support spouse).  Truly, I love agility trials, and there is just nothing better than watching Hardee and others run.  Tomorrow we rest, set up at agility, and go up the mountain to help my Mom with a couple things.  One of us will stay with Hardee in the hotel room because he cannot go up in the elevation of the mountains right now.

Today's water practice did not go as I had planned, but Hardee had fun and got to swim and retrieve.  He was happy which made me happy even through my disappointment.  And you know, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!!

Tues., Aug. 31, 2010 - Color of the day

Purple is still the color of the day and the color of Hardee's tongue.  Also, his nose and lips have taken on a dark gray hue instead of his normal brown.  Dr Proulx doesn't have an explanation for it.  I asked him if he thought that it meant his tongue got radiation also.  He said that it shouldn't have and that it was separated from his hard palate by the endotracheal tube but that it could have gotten a little.  I asked him if he thought that meant that HH's tongue would now get the ulcers like the palate, but he doesn't know. 

I have to keep reminding myself that Hardee is kind of a test patient.  He's only the third dog to have gamma knife radiation done outside of New York, and I don't know how many have been done back there but very few, I think.  Mostly, this radiation has been used for brain tumors which is more common than nasal tumors.

Dr. Proulx was concerned about the purple color thinking that H was becoming cyanotic (lack of oxygen), as was I when I first saw the color.  I checked his gums right away and they were pink and still are, so he is definitely oxygenating.  I did start his pain pills yesterday because I think his face area is hurting him enough to warrant pain control.  No ulcers yet, and HH is eating and drinking normally.  He sneezes quite a bit, and I've been seeing a little bit of infection draining from his nose for a few days now, but very little.  He did sneeze something out at our obedience appointment this morning.

Trying to regain some sort of normalcy to our lives, I called our obedience instructor and asked if our spot was still open.  We haven't been to our lesson for almost a month now until this morning.  I didn't know what Hardee would feel up to doing, so we just played it by his response.  He was delighted to be working again.  We started with his dumbbell retrieve because that's what I started having problems with before we had a diagnosis.  He went immediately out when I sent him and retrieved his dumbbell but came back and threw it at my feet.  I had him pick it up and he mouthed it the whole time he was waiting for me to take it from him, but I was okay with that because I still think his mouth is hurting even with the pain control.  He did better retrieving his dumbbell over the high jump.  The other thing that I started having problems with before his diagnosis was his long sit stay which he had always been very steady on.  He kept busting it, and laying down as soon as I would put him back into a sit.  He did it this morning also 3 times.  I think he gets tired very quickly, so just lays down.  I shortened the time that is required for him to stay sitting.

Everything that Hardee did this morning at our lesson brought such joy to my heart, and he was so happy to be working again.  And as you all know, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!!