Sat., Nov. 27, 2010 - Thanksgiving plans

Since I wrote last, Hardee is feeling much better and has his appetite back and is gaining weight.  It took a couple days, but he lived up to his name and bounced back quicker than I thought he would.  Last Wednesday we went for bloodwork one week after chemo, and HH was neutropenic, meaning his white blood cell count was too low.  When your white cells drop too low, your immune system is compromised and you can't fight off an infection.  Wed. night we had to drive back to the specialists late and pick up antibiotics for Hardee to be on for at least a week, until we do more bloodwork to check his white count again.

We were supposed to leave for my Mom's in So. Cal. Wed. night for Thanksgiving, but you know what they say about the best laid plans.  I wanted Hardee on antibiotics for at least 4 doses before we took him anywhere to help him be able to fight off any infection .  We finally left for So Cal Friday morning, after HH's 4th dose.  Remembering that it is about quality of life for our boy and also remembering how much he loves agility, we headed for the 3 day agility trial that we had planned.  Since HH had already missed his turkey eating day, we gave him one of his faves, agility.  Each morning we assess him to see if he feels up to running because it does not matter to us.  We just want him happy, especially now.

Originally we thought we could, and would, kick this cancer's ass.  We had a fabulous, new, expensive, state of the art radiation plan that would rid the tumor from our lives.  It seemed impossible to me that this cancer could ever get the best of us, especially for a boy so young and so full of potential, who had parents that would do anything for him.  It seems though, that this cancer is a formidable foe that is not easily conquered.  It is getting the best of Hardee, and of us, as it seems we are dying right along with Hardee.  We have a chemo consultation planned with one of the top doctors in the field of chemotherapy this Monday.  Unless he can work a miracle for us, Hardee doesn't have much time left.

Chemo only has a slim possibility of working for a nasal tumor, and if it was going to work, it was supposed to work quickly to shrink the tumor.  I watch Hardee constantly for signs that the tumor is shrinking.  I watch his tear duct for signs that it is becoming less blocked by the tumor.  I watch the nose bleeding for signs that it is getting lighter and less frequent.  I watch how much he paws at his face and how much he drills his face into the carpet, in hope that it is less.  For any of those signs, they are not less; in fact they are more frequent.

As heart breaking as it is for us to think about losing him, it is more heart breaking to watch as this cancer devours our boy and what Hardee has to endure.  Soon, his quality of life will diminish enough that we can no longer have him suffer the pain, and we will have to make the most horrible decision of our lives.  But, it is not about us.  It has always been, and will continue to be, all about Hardee.

Today, I bought a new patriotic bandanna, with a pewter paw print accessory on it, for Hardee to wear to the Georgie Project.