Fri., Nov 19, 2010 - still tired

Because HH is still tired, I tried to find something to do with him today that would bring him some joy that didn't require much energy expenditure.  I took a lounge chair out back, and HH got in my lap and we snuggled.  The sky was mostly overcast with peeks of sunshine, temps in the 60s, but windy.  We have a storm moving in.  I took a big beach towel out with me in case we got chilly. 

We stayed outside for about an hour, with me petting him and talking to him.  I told him the story, again, of the first time I ever laid eyes on him when we went to pick him up from his breeder at the Mission Circuit dog show, and how I fell instantly in love with him.  It was the Thursday before Memorial Day, the day of the Southern California Portuguese Water Dog Club's Independent Specialty in late May 2005.  Little did we know then what a big part that club would become in our lives as we ventured forward 3 years later into agility and water, Hardee's faves.  That club and it's members taught us all things Portuguese Water Dog (PWD), namely Susan & John, who were big influences in HH's life.

As we laid there snuggling, I told HH about how he looked when we met him.  HH was 10.5 weeks old, almost 11 weeks, when we picked him up and at 8 weeks, his breeder had shaved him down.  He was this little naked, dark brown & white pup, and everyone thought he was a Springer Spaniel pup.  He was wearing a red rolled leather collar and had a matching leash, which I still have.  From that day forward, red became his color.  Red just happens to be my favorite color also, so it was a match made in heaven.  As a joke, HH's breeder later sent me some Springer Spaniel note cards.  I'll finish the story of HH's first days with us later.

As I petted HH, I looked at him.  Most of the hair that he lost from radiation has grown back.  He still has a bald patch on the top of his nose that extends up between the eyes and slightly down the sides of the muzzle and towards his nose, but even that area has some very fine hairs in it trying to grow.  Most of the hair has grown back white, instead of brown, but of the hair that has grown back brown, it is a much darker brown so he has some clear cut areas where the different colors meet but only if you look hard.  I had him and I wrapped in a bright but deep, dark blue beach towel that looked gorgeous against his dark brown.  For a moment I thought about changing his color to this blue, instead of red.

As I wrote earlier, HH is tired.  He just got done drilling his face into the carpet again, showing me that the tumor is bothering him.  He has been drinking a LOT of water but has been peeing it out also, unlike after radiation where his body utilized all the extra water he consumed.  HH also has a odor coming from him that smells bad.  Chemo odor?  I don't know.  He's never had doggy gas before and I don't think he does now.  I think he has an upset tummy from the chemo, even on the anti-nausea med, and I think this smell is coming up from little burps that I cannot hear.  He seems uncomfortable and moves around quite a bit trying to find a comfortable position.  Also, he is constipated.....poor boy.

Hardee's cooler arrived from the Georgie Project today.  It's the cooler that he will ride in to the University of Utah for his autopsy, when the time comes.  I was almost sick to my stomach today when the doorbell rang because I knew what it was that UPS was leaving.  I asked that they send it without a signature needed because I knew I wouldn't be able to face that delivery.  It still sits at the front door.  I'll have Jim put it in the shed when he comes home.  Reality is trying to smack me in the face, but I won't have any part of it just yet.  There are just some things that I am not ready for.

Tomorrow will bring another day with a joyful experience for my boy.  I think we'll take him to Dairy Queen.  We'll still try to find some joy in the moment, and it will always be all about Hardee.