Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2010 - Hardee is naked

Hardee is naked, except for his flag of course.  As HH continued to lose more hair on his face and head, I tried to shave his muzzle back much farther than normal to blend with the hair loss areas.  That only made HH look like big bird.  I couldn't take the big yellow bird look anymore and shaved him down.  We had been growing his coat out so he would look good at the National Specialty for PWDs.  Oh well.....it is what it is.  We've grown used to the look now, but at first it was quite startling.  He doesn't look like himself at all, but it is growing on me.

One of the bad aspects of shaving H down is that he is cold.  It's still been in the hundreds here, so the air conditioning is running full blast with the ceiling fans whirling.  I didn't realize HH was cold and shivering until Monday night.  Since H's nose has still been draining occasionally, he's been sleeping out in the family room on a recliner with Jim sleeping on the sofa with him.  It wasn't until Jim went out of town for work that Hardee was in bed with me, and I could feel him shivering.  HH now has his own blanket that I cover him with, even while he is sleeping during the day.  Every time HH changes position, I get up and cover him again.  I'm a light sleeper, so at night I usually catch every time H changes position also to recover him.

At our obedience lesson yesterday morning at 6am, it was chilly also for Hardee and our instructor's grass was very wet from the sprinklers.  We live in the desert and since I've never seen H cold before, I don't have a jacket for him.  At the last minute, I tried to fashion something to try and keep HH warm.  I put one of Jim's tee shirts on H and tied it up around the hips.  It was all baggy in the front and his leg kept getting stuck in one of the arm holes, so I put H's water harness on him to try and keep the shirt up closer to H's body.  He looked extremely goofy, and he walked funny.  Luckily, we have a private obedience lesson, but it is in her front yard where people jog by and there is a bus stop for kids.  Hardee was extremely embarrassed, or maybe that was me that was embarrassed.  We'll be going to PetSmart soon for a jacket or sweater.

Another bad aspect of shaving Hardee is that his allergies have been much worse.  Come to find out his long hair usually shields him from a lot of the allergens that bother him.  This past weekend, we went to So. Cal. to run agility and H's allergies went nuts.  Hardee erupted everywhere, and he bit, licked, and scratched sores all over his body.  The grass he was on was mostly weeds, and his body did not like it at all.  I had stopped his allergy shots while Hardee's immune system is compromised with the cancer.  I didn't want to stress his immune system anymore than it already is.  I've placed a call to Hardee's dermatologist to hopefully get something that can help him temporarily since we'll be back in So Cal. soon for a week and a half.  Hopefully the Derm. will consult with H's oncologist about drugs that won't make the tumor worse or compromise his immune system further.

Hardee has lost a little more hair on his face and head, but the hair loss seems to have leveled off.  We worry about those bald areas getting sunburned though.  I know that I could put sunscreen on him, but I worry about the sunscreen that I need to put on top of his head and forehead running down into his eyes and burning them.  Trying to think of another option, my Mom and I got a laugh this morning about her suggestion to put a bonnet on H.  Imagine that get-up that I had H in yesterday morning at obedience but now with a bonnet......poor boy!  Not sure what he'll look like or what he'll be wearing when we bring him to the Specialty, but hopefully not anything too embarrassing!

I've noticed that H sneezes a little less now, rubs his face less, and his eye infections are now gone.  He's playing with his stuffies more now and has quite a few zoomies each day.  All very good signs!!  But, I stayed awake last night worrying about what happened yesterday at obedience.  Once again, I had problems with him picking up his dumbbell.  He'd go out to get it and reach for it, but he didn't want to pick it up.  When I insisted, because I thought he was messing with me, he picked it up with just his front teeth only, just on the very end of it and not in the middle like he's supposed to.  If the tumor was actually shrinking from the radiation, you'd think that his mouth and teeth would hurt him less.  I did not see those signs yesterday, and it worries me terribly.  Also, I had given him a pain pill yesterday before we went to our obedience lesson, and he still didn't want to pick the dumbbell up.

My fear has now come back that this is an enemy that we cannot conquer.  This tumor, this horrible enemy that has invaded our lives and tries to take the life of the one that I love most, might actually win.  I go through periods of complete faith that we will conquer this enemy and banish it from our lives, but then swing to the lowest of lows where I seem to have lost all faith.  And yesterday, after obedience, I am starting that downward spiral again.  Jim is gone out of town for work again, and that might have something to do with my poor spirits.

We treasure each day that we have Hardee, and I try not to let him know when I am in poor spirits.  We try hard each day to make his life pleasurable.  Sometimes it is just extra love or snuggles, or a special adventure or treat.  As mentally down as I might get, we still find joy in each day.  Because as you all know, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  We cannot imagine our lives any other way.