Tues., Dec. 20, 2011 - Bleeding from the "good" side of his nose and another CT scan

This will be a hard update for me to write.  So much has happened in a little over a week, and Hardee has suffered some trauma that is unforgivable, and I have no one to blame but myself.  You will judge me harshly, but I am writing this all down in hopes it will help someone else like me who has never experienced anything like this before.  I hope no dog has to endure what Hardee did on Monday.  And the long story begins.

Over a week ago, Hardee started bleeding from the nose.  What worried me about this bleed was it was unprovoked.  There is usually a catalyst that sets off a bleed (a biopsy, vet treatments that caused his blood pressure to rise, chasing his ball too much, etc.), but there was none this time.  HH was just sitting on the kitchen floor one morning with blood dripping out of his nose onto the floor.  When we thought the bleeding was under control, HH would sneeze again, blowing out a clot, and we'd start all over again.  Something else to worry about was the fact that the blood was coming from the "good" side of his nose.  We have never had blood from that side of his nose before, though just recently we got a little mucoid drainage from there.  Within hours, the blood was coming from both sides of his nose. 

By Thursday afternoon, the bleeding had stopped, or so we thought.  There was only old blood when he sneezed.  Hardee and I went ahead to an interview we had scheduled at a hospice facility to start up his therapy dog work again that we had stopped sometime during his cancer treatments.  All went well with no blood and everybody loved him, but he started reverse sneezing quite a bit.  He got into a pattern of reverse sneezing that he couldn't stop when we were leaving the facility.  Reverse sneezing is a bad sign and one that had disappeared for a year after we did radiation.  I was getting more scared.

Since the bleeding had stopped for a while, we thought it safe to head for our 3 day agility trial that we had scheduled in SoCal.  Instead of leaving Thursday afternoon for the trial, we didn't leave until very, very early Friday morning to make sure things were okay.  Hardee ran great in both of his runs and got a double qualifying score with great times.  After we got checked into the hotel, Hardee's nose started bleeding again, off and on, mainly when he sneezed, and mostly it was old blood.  Good thing we packed our hydrogen peroxide and carpet cleaner sprays.  We also packed flannel sheets to cover the floor carpeting in case of bleeding, and we have always packed flannel sheets that we cover the hotel bedding with. (For those on facebook, think about the post this afternoon about things to worry about from emails this year.  Those who know me well will know of my germ phobia and how hotel rooms freak me out.  The first thing off the bed is the bedspread, then the blanket is folded down with the sheet over it so I don't have to touch it, then everything is covered with our thick flannel sheets.)  Who knew that my germ phobia would also be helpful for bleeding protection?

On Saturday morning, Jim was leaving for the trial to go scratch Hardee and pack up our set-up when Hardee jumped up and wanted to go with him.  Because right then HH wasn't bleeding, we let him go, and Jim was going to play it by how the bleeding looked if it started again.  Please keep in mind that we promised Hardee, through an animal communicator, that he could run agility until the end in exchange for letting us put him through all the radiation and chemo.  Hardee ran great in all three of his runs, with great times, so a triple Q.  His bleeding was on and off, so I called to see if we could get in to see one of his oncologists on Monday since we were already in SoCal.  The bleeding was mostly gone on Sunday, and once again, Hardee ran great and double qualified.  He has never had that great of an agility weekend before, qualifying in all 7 of his runs.

Hardee's cancer is very deceiving.  The bleeding is painless, though the tumor growth must bother him, and I keep him on pain pills constantly.  Hardee's oncologists say he probably doesn't need the pain pills, but I fear his pain so I give them anyway.  Jim got many compliments on Hardee's great weekend and many "he sure doesn't look sick" comments.  Jim explained, again, that he is not sick, that he has cancer and is dying, but he is not sick.  In our book, there is a big difference.  For those that saw the videos of his Sunday runs on facebook, you'll understand.  A sick dog wouldn't run and bark like that.

Monday, our appointment was at 11:15 with the oncologist.  A CT scan was recommended, as were chest radiographs.  Hardee was taken in back for his exam and to have his radiographs done.  Everything was fine with HH then, and his lungs were clear.  I usually "treat" him after any vet procedure or send treats back with the technicians when he was getting chemo, but he couldn't have treats this time because of the anesthesia for the CT scan upcoming.  Hardee is very smart and figured out quickly that no treats meant more procedures.

Hardee was taken in back again and given a shot of an anti-emetic because we had fed him breakfast.  When he came back out and I couldn't give him any treats still, I could tell he was getting anxious about more procedures.  He wouldn't sit or lay down or relax.  It was like he didn't hear me or just couldn't oblige, and he was panting.  I tried ear rubs and other calming techniques, but nothing was working.  It had been 4 hours now, and we kept walking him outside for air to see if that would relax him more.  When we came back inside he bit at his leash, twice.  I had never seen this behavior before.  I was just going to ask to see if there was sedative that we could give him when they finally called for us.  I tried to warn the technician that he was getting very anxious and he was biting at his leash.  She said, that no, he is fine and assured us that he had been fine when she had him in the back twice earlier.

This next part will be very hard for me to write.  Hardee has been through so much, and it is one of the reasons we stopped chemo because Hardee couldn't handle it anymore, both physically and mentally.  I am to blame, but I write it in hopes that others will recognize earlier that their dog is being pushed over the edge of coping and that their dog might need a sedative to help them cope regardless of what the technician says.
 
The tech took him in the back, and I was almost sick to my stomach to see him walk away so scared.  Jim and I went to the car to sit and wait.  A couple minutes later the tech was back saying that Hardee had lunged at them and tried to bite them when they went to pick him up and put him on the table, that they couldn't get control of him to get a muzzle on him, and that he was biting desperately at his leash.  They took us in the back to put a muzzle on him.  I tried to calm him to no avail, and he lunged at me to attack the muzzle I had in my hand getting my hand/finger in the process of biting the muzzle.  They put us in a room thinking it would calm him down, and they went to get a basket muzzle.  I tried to get that on him, but he attacked that too.  He was biting at anything he could, except us, to get out of the situation.  He was out of control, and I was petrified for him.  Now his nose was really bleeding, and I didn't know what to do.

The tech wanted to get a sedative into him now.  I asked how she was going to do that, and she said that I didn't want to know.  I forced the issue, and she said that it involved the rabies pole and that she wouldn't tell me more.  I sobbed as she led him away and sobbed as Jim and I discussed whether Hardee would be better served if we released him from all this horribleness now.  We just couldn't send HH to the bridge without us being there to comfort him and tell him we loved him, and we couldn't be with him in his state of mind.  We couldn't bear our last memory of him, or his last memory of us, to be like that.  The tech assured us that we shouldn't even be considering putting him down and that he would be okay once he was out of that setting and that it was just fear aggression.  It was a long, horrible wait to see if our boy was going to be okay, and if he would be able to be the boy we knew after what we had put him through.  Even on our drive home, we wondered if we would have to release him to the bridge when we got home. 

They woke him up quickly after his CT scan and brought him to us on a rolling table with a cone around his neck in case he tried to bite them.  As I reached to scratch him under his jaw and on his neck, he was all wet in those areas.  I asked why he was wet and if it was drool because of his earlier emotional state.  They said he wasn't wet and that they didn't know.  Both sides of his nose were bleeding, and as I went to take the cone off of him to load him into his crate, I could smell vomit on my hand.  They denied adamantly that he had vomited with them.  I could no longer argue with them and wondered what hell he had endured in the back.  I just wanted my boy so we could start our long drive home because now it was late.  Hardee's nose bleed had stopped by the time we got home late Monday night.  His emotional state was back to normal also.  Once he was awake from anesthesia and back in the car, he started coming back to his normal self.
 
The results of the scan were not good.  The tumor has extensively progressed into the left nasal passage from where it had originated in the right, but even more devastating is that it has spread up into his left frontal sinus in his forehead almost completely blocking his entire sinus, thus the nose bleeds on his "good" side.  It has only been 5.5 months since we stopped chemo and I was caught off guard how quickly the tumor had progressed and where.  The oncologist thought it was fluid up in his frontal sinus, but I knew it was tumor and the radiologist confirmed my position.

The oncologist recommended palliative radiation on the new tumor in HH's forehead.  That is 5 days straight of general anesthesia and radiation.  We cannot do that to Hardee, again.  We have all reached our saturation point of what we can endure, and I cannot endure seeing Hardee pushed to that state again, day after day.  We feel we have done all that love can do, and all that love can endure.  We will spend the rest of his days trying to regain Hardee's trust and begging for his forgiveness.  When the time comes to release him to the bridge, we will look for an alternative other than taking him into a vet.

Our plan is to start Hardee back on the peroxicam and cyclophosphamide pills that we can give him at home.  The problem with that plan is that he would need to get blood drawn every 3 weeks to check his kidney values.  I plan to speak to the military vet here at Nellis AFB about some Valium that we can give HH at home before we come in for blood draws.  I have to take him for blood draws regardless of whether we start those anti-cancer/chemo pills or not because we are trying to get his thyroid meds regulated that he just started.  I thought Hardee was putting on weight because Jim had hurt his knee and they hadn't been running agility, but no, it was his thyroid being very low (chemo related?).  If he gets too stressed for blood draws after we get his thyroid levels regulated, then we will quit the peroxicam and cyclophosphamide so he no longer needs to go into a vet.

The rest of our plan is to let Hardee continue his favorite sport, when he can, which is running agility, until it is time to release him from this cancer.  The bleeding or his pain that I cannot get under control will dictate when that happens.  The rest of the time he will be doing therapy work at a hospice facility, which I thought was very fitting.  We had abandoned his therapy work along the cancer fighting path somewhere, and I got an email recently stating that a hospice facility was looking for therapy dogs.  Hardee and I have both passed our interview, and I have passed the background check.  We hope to start this weekend, if Hardee is up to it, but it might be after the new year.

I know some will judge harshly our plan, what we have done treatment-wise in the past, that we still let HH compete, what we let Hardee endure on Monday, my ability to judge Hardee's state of mind Monday, etc., but we are already racked with guilt over Monday, so no need to beat us up further.  As far as everything else, dog people can be some of the nicest people ever, but also some of the most judgemental and cruelest.  Some think they know best and have not been shy to tell us.  I would ask that you please keep it to yourself.  Truly, we are doing the best we can with what we know.  I hate that we had to learn most of it at Hardee's expense, but when you know better, you do better.  As far as letting HH still compete, his is an incurable cancer.  He is terminal.  Why not let him have quality of life until the end?  He is not sick; he is dying, and he wants to live what life he has left with joy.  I hope you all understand. 

I realize, now, that when I write in a public forum, people expect to be able to respond, but I write in a public forum so that maybe people can learn from what we have been through.  Maybe someone will recognize the signs and symptoms of nasal cancer earlier for their animal and be able to save them or extend their life out further than we got with Hardee's.  Maybe this blog can act as a resource to guide others through what we have been through.  At the very least, it is a written memory for me of our fight like hell against this horrible disease.  We love our boy so much and hope somehow his fight to live helps someone else.

We don't know how much time we have left with Hardee, but I think you know by now that we will be out having fun until the end.  It is and always will be, for as long as possible, all about joy and all about Hardee.  You know we wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you to all who have loved and supported us along our journey.  We especially appreciate your love of Hardee.  You have kept us going when our spirits have waned, and you have picked us up when we have stumbled.  From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.  Please keep us in your thoughts for peace and clarity when the time comes to release our beloved boy.

Wed., Dec. 7, 2011 - National Agility Championships

Our fabulous boy did it, again, this year and qualifed for the National Agility Championships.  Jim and Hardee have never participated before because the Nationals have been held too far away, but this year they are being held in Reno, NV, March 30 - April 1, 2012, only about 425 miles away.  The date is too far away to plan on attending because of Hardee's health, but we still hope and dream of the possibility. 

Participation in the Nationals or not, it does not diminish our pride in Hardee and all that he has accomplished in spite of his nasal cancer.  Throughout Hardee's cancer, he has shown us his fighting spirit, his will to live, and his love for life.  We are proud of Hardee not only for what he has accomplished, but mostly we are proud of who he is.  He is a fabulous boy dog, who brings so much joy to all.

We dream of many more weeks or months with our special guy.  While we dream, we'll ensure it is all about joy and all about Hardee.

Wed., Nov. 23, 2011 - Lymph node swelling and an update

I have been horrible lately about keeping the blog updated, so I'll try to catch everyone up on what has been happening with Handsome Hardee.  HH is good now, but we had a scare last month.

Hardee had been having a hard time with drainage from the tumor in his nose going down the back of his throat and swallowing and gagging a lot, or so I thought.  I was doing some research on the computer when I read, again, about the most common areas for his cancer to metastasize to (lymph nodes and lungs), when all of a sudden I wondered if the gagging and swallowing was associated with swollen lymph nodes.  I went and felt Hardee's lymph nodes, and sure enough, they were swollen.  I was terrified.

I made an appointment with a local Vet friend to aspirate HH's nodes the next day, and then the wait began for the results from cytology.  I had the Vet sedate Hardee for the aspiration, trying to bring HH's anxiety levels down about the procedure so that he wouldn't start a bad nose bleed, again, which is so hard for us to get under control.  Well, Hardee had a bad reaction to the sedative, and it was a long, horrible night with many complications, and a couple times I was very scared about losing him.  We made it through the night, and Hardee was on the mend later that next day.  Luckily, the cytology results came back that his swollen lymph nodes were just an infection, so we started Hardee on a high dose antibiotic for 2 weeks.  He is doing great currently.

The gagging Hardee does has been increasing lately, so I am suspicious that the tumor is starting to grow down the back of his throat.  We are trying to decide whether to CT scan again.  Hardee has already had 8 CT scans, which is a huge number of scans to have for one little body.  The CT scan would give us knowledge, but it wouldn't change his treatment plan, which is nothing currently.  We can't do radiation again, and I don't want to restart chemo with him.  Hardee's body just couldn't handle anymore chemo, which is why we stopped.  Also, with Jim out of work for over 2 months now, that is money that I can use towards more joy for Hardee, like agility runs, etc.  So, we're still undecided about another CT scan.

Every day is a day for gratitude, but especially this time of year.  On Nov. 11, I couldn't help but think back to last year on this date.  Hardee had started a bad nose bleed the night before, while we were giving him a bath to get ready for an agility trial, that continued for 5 days.  We were scared then that we were going to lose him because we couldn't get the bad bleed under control.  Just a week prior, we had received the news, through another CT scan, that radiation had not done all that we had hoped it would, and we were considering starting chemotherapy on Hardee.  Five days later the bleeding finally stopped, thank goodness, and we started chemo 2 days later.  Then, we were hoping that Hardee would stay with us through Christmas, but we had our serious doubts.

Now it is one year later, and our boy is still with us, and we are so grateful.  I have no doubt that if we hadn't started chemo, Hardee would not be here with us now.  There were a few hard times during chemo for Hardee but they were short lived, and the benefit of having our boy with us today far outweighs those few bad times.  For those of you who think chemo is cruel to dogs, I hope you reconsider your stance.  Not for Hardee or for us because we don't care what you think, but reconsider for your own dog should that day arise.  We won't judge you if you decide against chemo though and know that you will make the right choice for yourselves, whatever that choice may be.

Through all the trials and tribulations that this year has brought, we are very blessed.  Our boy is still here with us and still lives with joy.  HH runs his heart out on the agility field, though he is slower than before, and he still loves to swim.  As long as Hardee continues to have joy in his life, we are happy and won't have to make any horrible decisions.  We are blessed to have good friends and good Vets in our lives that have supported us through Hardee's cancer.  They have rejoiced with us when Hardee has rallied and fought back to live.  They have cheered with us when Hardee has excelled in his performance life, and they have comforted us when Hardee has gone through bad periods.  Life is good, and good friends are part of the reason.  Thank you, friends.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.  Take some time to remind yourselves what you are grateful for in your lives.  Here, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  You know we wouldn't have it any other way.

Tues., Oct. 11, 2011 - Courier Water Dog

When I updated Hardee's blog last, we were leaving for Arizona for some more water work for Hardee, a practice day and a water match.  That weekend trip to Arizona turned into a much longer trip than we planned.  We were gone and on the road for 2 weeks, and are glad to be home. 

Because Hardee did so well in AZ, we decided to try to enter the Texas water trial the next weekend.  After confirming there were still openings in that trial, we started the long drive to Texas (almost 1400 miles).  We had plenty of time on our hands since Jim was laid off of his job.  We had some health issues with Hardee on our trip, but he seemed better a few days later so we decided to let him compete.  We got to TX with a couple days to spare before their trial which gave Hardee plenty of time to rest.

Hardee was the first dog in the line up to compete for Courier on Saturday.  The first exercise is the courier pouch exchange.  He has to jump off my boat, turn and take the courier pouch in his mouth, swim to the other boat where Jim is and deliver the pouch to Jim, then take another courier pouch in his mouth and swim it back to me on my boat.  Once I got him off my boat (he no longer likes to jump off the boat or he just likes to hear himself bark and bark until he is ready to jump off) and directed towards the other boat, he was good.  All deliveries are to hand.

His second exercise is the blind retrieve of his float line from shore.  He has to jump off my boat, swim to shore, retrieve his float line, and swim it back to me on the boat.  Once I got him to jump off the boat, he swam directly to shore, located his float line, shook some water off, picked up his float line and swam it back to me on the boat and delivered it to hand.  What a good boy!

His third exercise is the double directed retrieve.  Jim has 2 matching bumpers on his boat that he has to throw out into the water, one towards shore and the other towards sea.  The judge determines which bumper he has to retrieve first, which in this case was the shore bumper.  Hardee has to jump off my boat, swim and retrieve the shore bumper first, swim it back to me and put it in my hand, then without boarding the boat, swim out and collect the sea bumper and swim it back to me, delivering it to hand again.  I had a harder time getting Hardee to jump off the boat for this exercise, but once he was off, he was perfect.

The fourth exercise is the fishing net pull.  Hardee has to jump off my boat, swim to Jim's boat, take delivery of the fishing net in the water, and pull it back to me on my boat.  This is the exercise that tires Hardee out the most.  Hardee's cancer and his heart weakened by the chemo have not helped him in this exercise.  Hardee did pull it all the way to me without letting go of the end of the net though.  Good boy Hardee!

The fifth and final exercise is the buoy ball drop.  Hardee has to jump off my boat, take his buoy ball from me in his mouth, turn and swim out past the marker at least 10 feet and drop it in a certain area.  When he turned away from me, right after he jumped off the boat and took his buoy ball, I told him to go "touch marker."  He swam straight to the marker, pushing it over as he went past (his "touch marker") and went straight out from there.  When he is at least 10 feet past the marker and within the drop zone, the judge raises her arm up.  I continued to send Hardee out much further out than 10 feet because sometimes he has a hard time letting go of the buoy ball rope to "drop it."  Because he turns before he drops the buoy ball, he is swimming into the current which pushes the rope of the buoy ball back into his mouth.  He can't just drop it.  He has to spit it out.  I sent Hardee out about 25 feet past the marker which gives me plenty of time to get him to drop the rope of the buoy ball.  If not, I have to turn him with voice commands and send him out again.  When Hardee drops the buoy ball in the desired area, the judge raises her second arm.  Hardee DID, and the judge's second arm went up.  It was perfection!!!

I still didn't know if Hardee had passed or not because everything is timed and has time limits.  I didn't know if we had surpassed any of our time limits, and while Hardee made the long swim back to my boat, I worried.  As soon as I had Hardee boarded, the judge turned to the crowd and said (as far as I remember) "that's a new Courier Water Dog!"  I was absolutely thrilled!!!  I knew Hardee could do it.  He is just the best boy dog ever!!!  I cried while my boat rower rowed back to shore.  Then I sobbed as I hugged Jim, and then the judge (she was also crying).  It was a fabulous moment, one that I am very proud of, and once again, I am oh so proud of my wonderful, working boy.  Hardee brings so much joy to us!

As thrilled as we are about Hardee's success, we are having some issues with Hardee's health.  Even though he was only 5 years old when diagnosed, Hardee is 6 years, 7 months old tomorrow.  We've had 14 months of extra time with him, and we are so grateful for this.  We've spent well over 50 grand on his cancer care but would still do whatever it took to keep him here with us, as long as it didn't affect his quality of life too much.  We've had the time of our lives with Hardee.  Keep your fingers and paws crossed for Hardee and for us.

For as long as we can, it will always be all about joy and all about Hardee.

Thurs., Sept. 22, 2011 - End of summer

Today is the last day of summer and we are sad.  Summer brings many activities that we love, like swimming, water practices and water trials.  We won't miss the very hot temps that summer brings to Vegas, but we'll miss the fun.  Life as we know it currently, probably won't be the same next summer and I mourn next summer's activities that we will probably miss out on with our boy.

Hardee is good.  His nose drains constantly, but the drainage is something that is normal for us now.  His stamina has suffered from the cancer and the chemo and he tires easily, but his zest and joy for life has not been affected. 

Hardee's hair is getting long again.  I was going to groom Hardee last weekend and take his coat down short again because all the nasal drainage that gets stuck all over in his long hair, but I chickened out.  Hardee looks so handsome again with all his hair back finally, so I think I'll wait a while before I cut it off again.

We're going to Arizona this weekend for one last hurrah to summer.  We'll do some water practice, and then who knows where we will go from there.  Jim sprained his knee badly running Hardee in agility the first weekend in Sept., so agility is out for quite some time.  Jim also got laid off from his job, so we are free to just go.

Keep your fingers and paws crossed for us that Jim finds another job soon, and that our precious boy hangs in there with us.  We are 13.5 months post diagnosis and we are so grateful for this extra time together with Hardee.

Until next time, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  I hope you all get one last hurrah to summer as well!

Tues., Aug. 30, 2011 - A big thank you!!

Dear Friends, 

A big and humble thank you to all who participated in the brag ad in The Courier (the Portuguese Water Dog magazine) for Hardee and his MACH.  It was so kind and thoughtful of you all and such a nice surprise.  Words cannot express how much this means to us, and it has reduced me to blubbering tears.  The pages devoted to Hardee are absolutely beautiful! 

From the top to the bottom of our hearts put in paramedic terms, from our sinoatrial node, to our atrioventricular node, to our bundle of His, to our purkinje fibers, THANK YOU!!  We love it and we love you all !!!   Thank you for all your support that has kept our spirits going during this past year.

We have just passed the one year mark with Hardee's nasal chondrosarcoma.  He is doing good right now and got two QQs last weekend in agility.  We stopped chemo back in June so keep the hope with us for Hardee's health.

Heroic, Happy, Handsome Hardee sends barks of joy to you all!

Jim & Jennie Wilson

Sat., Aug. 27, 2011 - One year ago

One year ago today, Hardee finished his Cyberknife radiation.  It has been a hard year but a blessed year also.  The best news is that we still have our boy, and, for the most part, his quality of life is great.  He is still happy, and his life is filled with joy.  Hardee still enjoys his two favorite things, water and agility.

As we did last year after Hardee finished radiation, we headed for an agility trial.  Last year, we were going to see if Hardee felt like running, and, if he didn't, just visit with friends.  This year we just worried about the high heat and high humidity.  Both were good weekends, and Hardee always feels like running!

We are truly grateful for this extra year that we have had with Hardee.  HH fills our hearts with joy.  He is what sustains us.  Keep the good thoughts coming for Hardee's continued health and for us as we go through a hiccup in our road.

It is, and, for as long as possible, always will be all about joy and all about Hardee.  He is our world, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Aug. 18, 2011 - Status quo

I haven't written in awhile, so I just thought I'd pop in to give a quick update on Hardee.  It is pretty much status quo here.  Hardee's nose still drains, and he still lives a life full of happiness.

A year ago today, Hardee and I were traveling to So. Cal. to get ready for his very precise CT scan at the human facility in Carlsbad, CA to prepare for radiation.  By this time last year, Hardee had already had 3 CT scans in a week and a half.

As last year, we traveled to So. Cal. today, but this time for a happier occasion.  We are doing agility for the first time in 2 months.  We took the summer off from agility because of the heat.  Hardee doesn't seem to regulate his temps as well as he used to.  We didn't plan it too well though because it will be in the 90s this weekend and even hotter next weekend.

Hardee's bloodwork today looked good.  Kidney function is still good, so I can order more cyclophosphamide and peroxicam from the compound pharmacy for Hardee.  The last couple nights I've had blood from Hardee's nose which scares the shit out of me.  We haven't had blood since we stopped all the trauma of chemo almost 2 months ago.  The blood doesn't scare me, but what the damn tumor is doing to cause the bleeding does (possibly growing???).  I so wish I had x-ray vision so I could keep an eye on the damn tumor. 

It seems I can't write tumor without putting a "damn" in front of tumor.  I hate this damn tumor so much!!!!!

Keep good thoughts for Hardee.  We've been in a blue period lately, and I'm hoping that agility will lift our spirits this weekend.  Sometimes I fight to crawl back into happiness and remember that it is all about joy and all about Hardee.

Monday, August 1, 2011 - One year

Today, it has been one year since I found all the horrible drainage coming from Hardee's nose that drove us to the vets and the dreaded diagnosis the following week.  It has been a trying year for us, but a blessed year also.  We still have our boy so we are happy, and his quality of life is good.

Hardee is still doing great.  We stopped chemo over a month ago, and he continues to thrive but we can't see what is going on inside his nose with the damn tumor.  Hardee continues to sneeze often, mostly triggered by his movement, but the reverse sneezing is almost nonexistent right now.  His nasal drainage is copious, but we are attempting to control it with daily antibiotics.  We haven't had hardly any blood since we stopped all the trauma that Hardee would go through getting chemo.  His eyes still water because of the damn tumor blocking the tear ducts and he gets lots of eye boogies, but I try and keep his eyes cleared of all the excess debris numerous times a day.  Hardee gets nose boogies also that I have to clear out of the way so he can breathe.  His hair is growing back and he looks wonderful!

We aren't doing agility for 2 months during the hottest part of the summer.  Hardee doesn't seem to regulate his temps as well as before the cancer, so all he is doing this summer is swimming and his water work.  He LOVES the lake and working in the water.  He goes absolutely nuts if I even mention the lake, and he loves the back of the boat.  Hardee's orange bumper is his favorite thing, and I have to keep it hidden or he barks his fool head off for me to throw it.  We don't use his orange bumper for his courier level water work, so last week we ended his water training session by throwing his orange bumper off the back of the boat and letting him jump for it over and over.  He was in heaven!

Keep the hope with us that Hardee's tumor doesn't grow rapidly.  We'd love to have our boy with us for much longer.  Also, keep your fingers and paws crossed that all goes well with Hardee's water trials this summer.  We've had limited time to train for his courier level, but Hardee is a quick study and I think he can do it. 

Every extra quality moment that we have with Hardee is a blessing.  A friend lost her precious boy dog last week to nasal cancer, and I grieve for them.  Rest well beautiful Snoopy.  I know the same scenario is in the near future for Hardee, but I can barely stand to think about it.  We will continue to do everything in our power to give Hardee the quality of life he deserves for as long as we can.  As usual, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  Keep the faith with us, please.

Wed., July 13, 2011 - No top 5 for Hardee

We knew this day was coming, but it is still hard now that it is here.  As of today, Hardee is no longer in the top 5 agility PWDs (Portuguese Water Dogs).  He has fallen out by 2 points, and there are still more trials to be reported up til the end of June.  Points have been reported through June 17th so far.

For those that don't know, agility points are tallied for each year from July 1st through the end of June, and the top 5 dogs are invited to the Agility Invitational in December.  Hardee is our first performance dog, so we really didn't know about the standings.  We never thought about checking the stats before a friend sent us the standings last December.  Back then, Hardee would go back and forth between the 6th and 7th spot.  Finally in February, Hardee broke into the top 5 and eventually went to the #4 position.  He stayed there fairly consistently until just lately where he dropped to #5, and now to #6.

Last August when we got Hardee's nasal cancer diagnosis, the top 5 wasn't even on our radar, let alone something we thought Hardee could ever attain.  We trialed when we could in between Hardee's other performance events that he does, when Hardee felt up to it in between hospitalizations, radiation and chemo and their side effects, and Jim's job that requires him to work some weekends each month.  Also, it is hard to have a top agility dog and live in Las Vegas.  Except for the 4-5 local trials in Las Vegas each year, we have to travel out of state for trials (CA, AZ, UT) which is at a minimum 600 miles in a weekend, and up to 850 miles if we go to Utah.

What killed Jim and Hardee's chances at the last minute of staying in the top 5 were we had 2 trials cancel on us after entries closed for other trials.  One trial canceled the end of May and the other in June.  Jim had to work one weekend in June, plus Hardee had a chemo reaction one weekend and was sick.  It is what it is, and we can't control it, but I wish the results were different.  Hardee and Jim worked so hard despite all the challenges that Hardee was faced with.  It would have been nice if they could have stayed in the top 5.

There are many more important things to be disappointed over, and better yet many more important things to be grateful for.  Number one on the gratitude list is that we still have our boy, and his quality of life is still pretty good right now.  Being invited to the Invitational would have just been an extra perk that we can live without.  Who needs extra perks when we still have our boy!  It is and always will be all about joy and all about Hardee!

Friday, July 8, 2011 - Tough chemo decisions

We have some tough decisions ahead of us concerning chemo.  Lately, Hardee has a reaction to chemo each time he receives it every 3 weeks.  The reactions aren't bad enough to cause alarm and Hardee still eats and drinks during them, but it is getting harder for me to watch the nausea and some vomiting that Hardee has to endure.  During one of the reactions, Hardee even became incontinent.  Usually the reaction is only about a 24 hours or less, but still quality of life comes into play.

If we stop chemo, the tumor will surely grow, so stopping chemo is not an easy decision for us.  It is like signing the death warrant for our beloved boy.  Jim still wants to fight and thinks the benefits of chemo still outweigh the side effects and doesn't think that quality of life has suffered.  Jim works out of state quite a bit, so he isn't always here to see everything.  I think we should stop chemo, but this is a family decision.  Maybe the compromise will be that we give Hardee a couple months off, then maybe only go for chemo every 6 weeks or so.

Hardee has a twitch in his face now.  It is almost like he is winching, like he received a sharp pain.  The oncologists haven't seen it happen, and the CT scans don't support what I think it is (which is pain) because the tumor hasn't grown.  Hardee's doctors think it might be focal motor seizures, but I disagree.  I think there is something going on in there, but I don't know what.  We are saving our money for an MRI to see if that shows anything different that the CT scan is not picking up.  The MRI might also give us more info to be able to make a more informed decision about discontinuing chemo.  In the meantime, I filled the script for Gabapentin (Neurontin) that the oncologist prescribed for Hardee in case it is a nerve problem or a seizure, but I have not started him on that drug yet.  I've taken that drug previously, and I could barely function, but not everyone has the same reaction that I did.

Hardee nose is draining quite a bit.  He's been off antibiotics for 2 weeks today, so I'll start him back on them tonight.  I wanted his body to have a little rest before we started the antibiotics again.  The drainage doesn't seem to bother him, only us as we chase him around to get the big strings coming from his nose.  The antibiotics seem to help with the drainage though.  There is less drainage that comes from his nose while on them, and the drainage is more fluid based than mucous based.

It is now Tuesday, July 12.  I seem to struggle with getting blog posts posted in a timely manner.  I started this blog as a way to let everyone know how Hardee was doing when I couldn't keep up with the emails, but it also became a way for me to keep a record of what is going on with Hardee.  As much as I'd like to be able to keep an accurate record of what's happening, I can't.  I walk a fine line between writing all that is really happening or glossing over things or not mentioning things at all.  It shouldn't be this way, but it is.  If I write in detail about what is going on here, people misinterpret it, think Hardee is suffering, and think he should be put down.  I know you think it looks so clear from the outside looking in, but you are not living it.  You don't know all the details or the hard decisions, and you don't know some of the decisions about the good outweighing the bad.  Most you you don't even know Hardee personally.  You just read about him and make your judgements.  The people that do know Hardee and see him work and perform know differently, and know that his quality of life is good.  Through it all, Hardee is a happy, confident dog, enjoying life except for some brief periods of treatment.

Chemo is supposed to be this Monday again, but we are cancelling Hardee's appointment.  We're not sure if, or when, we will reschedule that appointment.  Water practice is this Thursday (Yay!  It's been almost 3 weeks since the last one).  Hardee has had some "off" days lately where he doesn't seem to be feeling 100%, and he threw up this morning.  We'll still do our long drive down to the lake but let Hardee do what he feels up to doing.  The lake always lifts his spirits and brings him joy, though he's not fond of the 600 mile drive that it takes to get there and back in one day.  Neither are we!

As always, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  Keep good thoughts for us as we work our way through these tough decisions for our precious boy.

Wed., June 22, 2011 - Hardee's first water practice of 2011

After last Thursday's first swim of the season for Hardee in the pool, I got the courage to take Hardee to water practice in So. Cal.  The dirty lake water scares me, but Hardee is on antibiotics currently so I'm hoping the antibiotics were protecting him.  A friend and her dog drove the 5 hours down with Hardee and I, so the 300 mile drive seemed to go much quicker than normal.  This water practice was 2 days in a row, so worth the drive down.  Plus, we spent the night so I didn't even have to drive another 300 miles back home in the same day.

Hardee was so excited to be at the lake again, and he really wanted to work.  I was surprised by how much he remembered from last summer, and by how quickly he settled into doing his tasks.  Hardee missed quite a bit of water practice last summer because of his cancer diagnosis and radiation.  Hardee loves the lake, and where he really gets excited is working from the back of the boat.  His excited barking in my ear gets annoying very fast, but at the same time, it brings me such joy to see him so happy and so excited to work.

Practice went well both days.  Most of both days we worked just from swimming depth and not from the back of the boat.  Hardee is working on the courier level for water work.  He knows his buoy ball go out, but I need to work on his drop it command so he is quicker dropping the buoy ball in position.  I did notice that I need to start working him from both directions instead of sending him out the same way each time.

There is another practice this Saturday but because of an agility trial, we will probably only make it for about an hour of practice.  An hour is better than nothing though.

We here it is Friday, July 8th now.  I've been very slack about keeping up with the blog lately.  There have been some things going on with Hardee that I'll write about later.  It is still all about joy and all about Hardee.

Fri., June 17, 2011 - Letting Hardee swim and other updates

A week ago today, Hardee had a reaction to chemo, at day 4 after chemo.  It was a small reaction compared to other reactions he's had, but still it caught me off guard.  He's had this chemo numerous times with no reaction, and he was compliant with all his anti-nausea meds.  It only lasted about 24 hours, but still there was tons of nausea (drooling), and some vomiting.  By Sat. afternoon he was better, but he still had the bloody nose that he had gotten on Monday.  Hardee's nose continued to bleed off and on until this Wednesday, almost a week and a half from when it started.

On Tuesday morning, Hardee didn't greet me in the morning and didn't want to get off his chair.  He also didn't want to eat, which immediately tells me that something is wrong.  After a couple hours, I coaxed him up and got him to eat, but he was lethargic and listless.  I started Hardee on antibiotics just in case his white blood cells (WBCs) were low.  I finally got a hold Dr. P. around noon, and he said to take him into my closest emergency room.

At the ER, they ran a complete blood chemistry, and everything looked good except that Hardee's white cells and his lymphocytes were low. Hardee's had low WBCs before, and it has never affected him like this.  Neither the ER vet nor I thought that the low WBCs were enough to cause the malaise in Hardee, so we proceeded with an abdominal ultrasound.  Luckily, the ultrasound came back clear, but we still don't know what was going on.  He is better now on the antibiotics, so maybe it was the low WBCs and low lymphocytes.

By Thursday, Hardee was feeling so good that he was begging to go swimming.  I haven't let him in the pool since his diagnosis of cancer that I can remember.  Hardee's been asking to go in the pool for months, and I haven't had the courage to let him.  I've been petrified about what the chlorinated water might do to the tumor.  I finally had to overcome my fear, and Thursday night Hardee went swimming.  At first my rule was no jumping off the side because of water possibly being pushed up his nose.  That rule lasted about 15 minutes, and I relented on that to.  It is hard to say no to him when he is having so much fun!  You know, quality of life for the little Bubs......

It is now Thursday, June 22, and I wrote this last week.  Just haven't posted it yet.  Stay with me as I write another update and post this one now.  It is still all about joy and all about Hardee!

Tues., June 7, 2011 - Savoring another big chunk!!!

Yesterday, was intravenous chemotherapy again for Hardee in Carlsbad, CA.  I was nervous about going for Hardee's appointment because I needed to talk to Hardee's oncologist about a problem that I was seeing with Hardee, and I was terrified that the tumor was growing further down into Hardee's hard palate.  The problem I was seeing was that Hardee was no longer that interested in chewing his bully sticks in the afternoon.  When I would give them to him, he would drop them.  Then what would usually take 20 minutes for him to chew, would end up taking 3 hours.

After explaining the problem to Dr P, he agreed that we should CT scan again.  Hardee's last scan was Jan. 20th of this year.  Because I had fed Hardee breakfast and he needs an empty stomach for anesthesia, I asked if we should do the scan when we come again for chemo in 3 weeks.  Dr P said "No" in case it was an infected tooth, an abscess, or something else that might need treatment right away.  They took Hardee's blood, and then off we went to find something to do for a couple hours waiting for Hardee to digest.

We drove up and down the coast for awhile looking for a beach that allowed dogs.  We finally found one, and we took a walk.  We couldn't let Hardee swim because we couldn't get water in Hardee's nose.  When they CT scan, it is hard to tell fluid from tumor, so we busied ourselves with videos of Hardee instead.  Flocks of pelicans kept flying directly over us, and I took that as a good sign.  Eventually we headed back to the hospital.

Hardee was in the back of the hospital for almost 7 hours while Jim and I worried out front.  A dog with an emergency came in and took priority in the CT.  While Hardee waited, he chewed out 2 I.V.s.  They tried 5 times for the 3 I.V.s they got.  Hardee had had enough by then, and he warned his technician with an air bite.  They finally gave him a sedative to help knock him down before anesthesia.  They waited until after the CT scan and chest radiographs were done and the results were in before they gave him his chemo.  They have a radiologist there who interpreted the scans and radiographs.

The results were no spread of cancer into his lungs, and the best part, no growth of the tumor since our last scan on Jan. 20th.  We were thrilled!  No sign of any tooth infections nor any abscesses, so we don't know why Hardee's mouth seemed sore.  Dr P searched around inside Hardee's mouth while he was knocked out and didn't see anything, so for now we won't worry.  Dr P reminded us that it is just a matter of time before the tumor starts to grow again, but for now we will continue on with the same plan of action. 

I saw the scans, and HH doesn't have much of a septum (the bone and cartilage that divides the nasal passage into the right and left sides) left.  The tumor has eaten most of it, but it really doesn't matter.  Also, HH got a nose bleed while in the back with them.  They say his blood pressure went up while in the back of the hospital, which is why they gave him the sedative, and it set off the bleed.  My nose, without a tumor, might bleed after 5 I.V. attempts.  Anyway, his bloody nose got all over us when they brought him out, and it continues to bleed today but is finally slowing down.  It is just bleeding out of the right side which is where the tumor originated.

They didn't release Hardee to us until 7 p.m., so it was a very late start for our long drive home to Vegas.  HH couldn't stay awake, but he had the sedative and anesthesia on board.  He was doing his drunk walk, and we had to help support him because he would fall over.  While in the waiting room getting our discharge instructions, Hardee climbed into his Daddy's lap and snuggled.  Jim ate it up because Hardee is not normally a snuggle dog.  We finally made it back to Vegas around 12:30 a.m.

Today, we are still rejoicing.  We have kicked this tumor's ass for another 4.5 months.  We will not be able to fight it off forever, but we will fight like hell as long as we can.  It has been about 10 months since we started this battle.  Sometimes we get tired, but we stay the fight.  Hardee does amazing things that renews our optimism frequently.  We keep going for him, and selfishly for us too.  Hardee loves life so much and wants to continue to live as long as possible, with quality.

We are savoring this big chunk of good news!  It is still all about joy and all about Hardee.

Thurs., May 26, 2011 - A very special day

Note:  I started writing this post last Thursday, but am just posting it today.

Today, six years ago, Hardee joined our family.  It was one of the best days of our lives.  Hardee owns us, heart and soul.  He is our joy.  He is what sustains us.

The instant we laid eyes on Hardee, we fell in love with him.  We met Hardee's breeder at the Southern California Portuguese Water Dog Club's Independent Specialty dog show to pick him up.  He was 10.5 weeks, almost 11 weeks old then.  Hardee's breeder had shaved him down at 8 weeks, so here was this little brown and white pup with not much hair.  Still, he was the softest dog we had ever felt, and he was darling.  Because he was shaved down, everyone thought he was a Springer pup, and I had to keep telling them he was a PWD.

When we left the show to head home, which was only about an hour after we met Hardee, we stopped and ordered a pizza before we got on the freeway for the long drive.  We found some shade, on a very hot day, in the parking lot with a little strip of grass.  We set up our lawn chairs and ate, and fed Hardee.  After some drinks and a potty for Hardee, we set off for home.  Pizza was the first food Hardee ever ate with us.  We started his bad habits within a half hour of him being ours.  Just to top off his bad habits, we stopped in Baker on the way home and got fries to share with him.  When we got back to Vegas, we went by our friend's house to show him off.

It was Memorial day weekend, so Jim and I had the next 4 days off.  We spent those days getting to know Hardee.  We hung out in the back yard, took him in the pool, started potty training, found out he was small enough to go down our tortoise's burrow, watched his determination to do things, and grew deeper in love with him.  It was a blissful 4 days before Jim and I returned to work.  We tried our best to arrange schedules so Hardee was rarely by himself for long.

I can honestly say that Jim has loved our other dogs before Hardee, but he was never in love with them, until Hardee.  Jim was smitten, and it was very hard for Jim to be separated from Hardee on Jim's numerous deployments.  Between deployments, Jim and Hardee trained agility, and while Jim was gone, Hardee and I worked on obedience, rally, water and then tracking.

Why I bring up Jim and Hardee's agility training is because on this day, exactly 6 years after we picked Hardee up to join our family, Jim and Hardee earned their MACH (Master Agility Champion) at the same dog show that we went to when we picked up Hardee from his breeder.  It is a fabulous day, full of memories, and a day that Jim and Hardee have trained and competed for, for such a long time.  When Hardee was diagnosed last August, he only had 2 QQs, and he did the other 18 QQs with cancer, in between radiation, chemo, and ICU stays.  For those who know AKC and PWDCA titles, our boy is now CH MACH Vindouro's Built To Withstand VCD2 RAE MXF WWD GROM TDI.  I am so proud of my boys!!  There are just no words to describe how much this day means to us.  Currently, Hardee is ranked as the #4 agility PWD in the nation but that will change.

Hardee is doing as well as can be expected.  We are still doing all that love can do.  Besides the chemo he gets at home, we go again for I.V. chemo this Monday.  Keep the faith for Hardee.  Keep the paws up and savor the big chunks, as we did last Thursday.  Until then, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!!

Mon., May 23, 2011 - Options for nasal drainage and MACH watch

When I went for Hardee's last chemo appointment, I talked to Dr P about the increased nasal drainage problems that we were having.  When Hardee is awake, he can swallow the drainage that goes down the back of his throat, or we can wipe or he licks the drainage away coming out the front of his nose.  But when Hardee tries to sleep, it becomes problematic.  Sometimes in the middle of the night, Hardee will jump up struggling to breathe because of all the drainage going down the back of his throat.  A couple mornings Hardee even vomited trying to clear his airway to breathe.  His vomit was just a bunch of snot.  Dr P gave me 3 options to see if we could slow the nasal drainage.

The first option was antibiotics.  We could put Hardee on antibiotics to see if it slowed the drainage.  If it worked, we could change him to an antibiotic that he could stay on long term.

Option two was prednisone.  I don't like the long term use of steroids because of the damage they do, but Dr P assured me that we could adjust the dosage down, if it worked to slow the drainage, that Hardee could stay on long term.  He said he has numerous dogs that have been on low dose prednisone for years.

The last option was surgery.  Dr P said that he could go up the front of Hardee's nose with forceps and try and pull out as much tumor as he could to see if that produced less drainage.  I said "absolutely, No" to that option.  Back in Nov. when we went to CT scan again after radiation, I had Dr P do another biopsy to make sure we were dealing with the original diagnosis.  Two weeks later, I CT scanned again to see what the tumor was doing to make a decision about starting chemo, and the tumor had grown significantly in those 2 weeks.  Further research on my part found evidence that cutting into the tumor can send it into hyper drive growth.  So, no one is ever touching that tumor again!!

I decided to try the antibiotics first.  I got the prescription filled, but I just haven't started Hardee on them yet.  We have been going through a manageable period now with the drainage, so I will wait until the drainage gets bad again to start the antibiotics.

Onto one of my favorite subjects, agility.  For those not involved in the sport, the dog and handler need 20 double qualifying runs (qualifying in both of their runs in the same day) and 750 speed points for his Master Agility Championship (MACH).  Hardee has had all his points for quite some time and is now working on his QQs (double qualifying runs).  Hardee and Jim are at # 19 now and just need one more.  We hope to get his MACH at this weekend's trial.  It would be a perfect weekend to finish their MACH at a Memorial Day trial because Jim is a veteran, and also because our club, the Southern California Portuguese Water Dog Club, is sponsoring the trial.  I hope I haven't jinxed their chances now by writing about it.  Keep your fingers and paws crossed for Jim and Hardee!  They so deserve this and have worked so hard for it.  We are definitely on MACH watch!

Until then, it is all about joy and all about Hardee! 

Have a great holiday weekend everyone, and take a second to remember those who served and died for your freedom.

Wed., May 18, 2011 - Another fabulous performance weekend and chemo

The beginning of May, we went to Utah for agility and obedience.  The first day of the trial, Hardee finished an obedience title by qualifying, with a 1st place, in Open A obedience.  Also the same day, with his obedience competition in between his runs, Hardee ran agility and qualifed in both of his runs for his 16th QQ towards his MACH (Master Agility Champion).  The next days, he also got his 17th and 18th QQs (out of the 20 QQs that he needs).  Historically, we haven't had the greatest luck in Utah, but this was a once in a lifetime fabulous trial result, and we were very pleased!  It was chilly there, but beautiful.

Also, what made the trip to Utah so wonderful was that I met up with a couple of old friends.  One from my growing up days, and it was a pleasure to see her again.  She loves dogs also, and she loved meeting Hardee in person, instead of just reading about him.  I hope to see her again sometime soon!  I also had another friend come out and watch Hardee's obedience competition and watch him run agility.  She cheered us on, and stayed the whole day, waiting for Hardee's turns to come up.  Cathy and her husband came back out on Sunday to watch a little more agility.  It was good to see her again too!

Currently, Hardee is doing good.  We are having a little bit of drainage problems from his nose, but nothing that we can't handle.  We are reviewing different options to see if we can somehow slow down the amount of drainage.  I had a long talk with Dr P (radiation oncologist) about a couple things, and he has renewed my optimism about Hardee's near future.

This past Monday, Hardee had I.V. chemo again.  It was carboplatin again, and I was a little nervous since the last time HH had carboplatin he had a reaction.  I premedicated him in the parking lot before I brought him inside the oncologists for chemo.  We've had a couple problems, but once again, nothing that we can't handle.

For us, it's agility, agility, and more agility.  Water practice has started, but we are waiting for it to warm up more before we take Hardee to the lake.  Until then, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!  You know we wouldn't have it any other way.

Thurs., April 28, 2011 - Fabulous agility weekend, chemo, the passing of a friend, and a new view

This past weekend was the Southern California Portuguese Water Dog Club's agility trial, one of 3 that we sponsor each year.  It was a wonderful weekend with perfect weather (except for a little rain) for running dogs.  PWDs (Portuguese Water Dogs) were well represented with 4 dogs running in the trial.  There were 2 triple Qs (each dog qualifying in all 3 of their runs that day), 2 double Qs (each dog qualifying in both of their runs that day, when a third run wasn't offered), and new titles.  Hardee had a QQQ Saturday taking 1st place in one of his runs, a QQ Sunday, and won the ribbon for high scoring PWD at the trial.  A good time was had by all, especially Hardee.

Monday, April 25, was I.V. chemo again.  This time it was mitoxantrone, the doxorubicin replacement.   So far, no side effects, but I am keeping H3 (Happy Handsome Hardee) on all his anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea meds anyway.  Hardee's blood work showed that his white blood cells were low, I guess from the reaction to chemo that he had 3 weeks earlier.  He is now on 10 days of antibiotics, again.

While H3 was getting chemo, Hardee's PWD friend slipped away to the rainbow bridge.  He was a wonderful boy, was so loved by all, and was a valiant warrior and fought his cancer beast the best he could.  He takes our love and admiration with him.  We will miss you, sweet boy.  Our thoughts, love, and hugs continue for his parents as they endure life without their precious boy.

In conjunction with our PWD friend's passing, I've decided to start looking at Hardee's cancer state in a different light.  Currently, I live in a state of constant panic, always searching for signs that the tumor is growing again or that the cancer has spread.  It is a horrible way to spend each day, and I have done this for 9 months now.  Cancer has ruled my life since H3's diagnosis, and I will now rule cancer.  Instead of cancer kicking my ass, my new view is that we have kicked cancer's ass for 9 months because Hardee is still with us and his quality of life is great.  Hardee is living life to the fullest, and so will I.  H3 has set me a wonderful example and has been kicking cancer's ass for quite some time now.  It just took me awhile to see Hardee's example and to follow it.  So until the end, from this day forward, we will be kicking cancer's ass, together!!!!!

Until then, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  We will be at the lake letting Hardee swim, doing agility or something else fun, but we will be ruling cancer and living life to the fullest....all of us!  Our current motto is "savor the big chunks"!!

Mon., April 11, 2011 - Side effects from chemo

Last Tuesday was chemo for H3 again.  This time it was carboplatin, so I wasn't worried.  Dr. O wasn't there, so we saw Dr. P, Hardee's radiation oncologist.  We haven't seen Dr. P since last November.  I talked to him about restarting peroxicam and cyclophosphamide, the meds we quit when Hardee got the ulcer.  I still treat HH daily for his ulcer, and Dr. O said he didn't know if we would be able to restart these meds, but Dr. P said he didn't see any reason we couldn't, especially since I still treat daily for the ulcer.  The order was put in at the compound pharmacy, and I have received the meds through the mail.  Dr P said to restart the cyclophosphamide, the daily chemo, one week after chemo, so tomorrow, and the peroxicam, the anti-inflammatory, a week after that.

I talked to Dr. P about doing another CT scan because of the increased drainage, etc.  He said he would, but would it change our game plan?  If the tumor did shrink, we would continue chemo.  If the tumor stayed the same size, we would continue chemo.  If the tumor was growing, we would continue chemo trying to slow the growth.  So, since it wouldn't change our game plan and would only be done out of curiosity, I decided to hold off on the CT scan right now.   

Dr. P gave Hardee an exam and held his muzzle together and plugged one side of his nose at a time and listened with his ear to H3's breathing through his nose.  He said he didn't hear much turbulence which is very good news.  I talked to Dr. P about the strings of snot that were more mucoid instead of serous coming from H's nose.  Dr. P gave me a prescription for antibiotics with refills since nasal infections will become a way of life for us.

So Tues. was chemo, and Wed. afternoon Hardee started drooling, lip smacking and lip licking, despite being compliant with all his anti-nausea meds every 8 hours.  I called to Dr. O Thurs., and he called me in a prescription for Zofran for HH.  I ventured off the mountain at my Mom's in the snow and went down to get the script filled.  The expensive Zofran did not help Hardee's nausea, and he started vomiting Thursday afternoon.  My poor mother's carpet took big hits, and HH continued the vomiting overnight in his crate.  I didn't want to take H back to ICU down in Carlsbad because he was still interested in eating and drinking, unlike the last bad reaction to doxorubicin.  By Friday afternoon, HH started feeling better, but we didn't head back home until Sunday afternoon to make sure that Hardee was going to be fine for the drive home and all the windy roads down the back side of the mountain.  Hardee continues to feel better, except for some soft stools.

We remain hopeful for our little boy and try our best to keep him in good health.  Until next time, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!

Wed., Mar. 30, 2011 - Sneezing

Hardee sneezes quite a bit, a symptom of the tumor, but today he had a sneezing fit that went on and on and on.  He sneezed well over 50 times.  As I followed him around trying to wipe up what was coming out of his nose with each sneeze, I called Jim so he could hear what was going on.  I tried to play with Hardee and distract him with a toy to see if I could stop the sneezing to no avail. 

Usually this type of sneezing would set off a bleed, so I felt like I was holding my breath for quite some time waiting to see if the blood would come.  It never did, thank goodness, but the nasal discharge being sneezed out was blood tinged. 

As the day progressed, HH kept crinkling up his nose and lifting his lip like he was going to sneeze again, but the sneeze never came.  Something inside his nose is bothering him, and he's been rubbing his face, both sides, on the sofa edge.  I don't know what to think of this.  He has settled down this evening, finally.

This increased sneezing accompanied by the increased nasal discharge has me distressed.  It is still all about joy and all about Hardee, just accompanied with more worry than usual.  Please, keep the faith for us.

Tues., Mar. 29, 2011 - Nose drainage

Since last Thursday, Hardee's nose has been draining more than usual.  It is very worrisome to me, making it very hard to sleep, concentrate, and not freak out about it.  Just yesterday I started to see the drainage slow down just a little, I think, or maybe it is just that I hope it is.

The drainage is mostly thin and watery (serous), and just pours out.  Sometimes it is thicker and hangs like strings out of his nose.  It is most often clear but blood tinged.  When it is thicker, it is tan or yellowish, and sometimes blood tinged.  If it were the thick tan color all the time (mucoid), I would say it was an infection and get him on antibiotics, but I'm just not sure.  I can tell the drainage goes down the back of his throat because there is a lot of gurgling, choking, gagging, and coughing, while trying to clear his throat so he can breathe.

The last couple of days I've been reading some blogs about dogs with nasal cancer, and these dogs have already passed to the rainbow bridge.  The nose drainage increase was never a good sign for them, so this is very distressing to me.  Hardee's nose usually drains, just not this much.

Next Tuesday is chemo again, so I will ask Dr O about the drainage, again, but he just keeps telling me that it is normal for nasal cancer.  Maybe it means that the new chemo we tried last time is working to kill the tumor, and the drainage is just the dead tumor sloughing off.  A girl can dream and hope, can't she?

I took Hardee to the base vet last week for a fecal and heart worm test for his therapy dog renewal.  Even though he isn't doing therapy work right now, I want to keep his certification current, if possible.  They would have to accept his rabies exemption that Dr O wrote for me, so we'll see.  I also talked to the base vet about trying to get some of Hardee's meds there trying to save a little money.  Some of his meds they carry, and I can get them there.  Why didn't I think about this 8 months ago?  We are well over $40,000.00 now, so any little bit of savings helps!  That 40 grand does not include all the travel expenses, like hotels, gas and food.  The little bubs is worth it though.

Keep the hope for Hardee with me.  We are doing all that love can do.  Until then, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  You know we wouldn't have it any other way.

Mon., Mar. 21, 2011 - Hardee's new blog picture

I added a new picture of Hardee to the blog last night.  The picture was taken back in January at an agility trial, and I just love it.

The picture was taken by Susan Rennie of Faces Of Dogs.  Susan was attending the agility trial taking some pictures, and she asked if she could photograph Hardee.  Here is a link to her website.  http://facesofdog.com

Hardee has his own chair that he gets to sit in at trials, like the prince he is.  Since we are a patriotic family, Hardee's chair is a flag chair.  He was sitting in his chair when the picture was taken, and I love that you can see the stars and stripes in the background of the picture.

When Hardee went through radiation back in Aug. 2010, he lost the hair on his face, muzzle, and the top of his head.  Some of the hair grew back; some didn't.  Most of what did grow back, grew back white instead of brown.  There is also a spot on his lower right eyelid that lost pigment when they had to radiate some of his right eye.  His nose is now crusty, hardened, and a different color than before radiation, but we don't care.  We love all his new parts, and we still think he is handsome.

We think of the changes that have occured to Hardee, since chemo and radiation have run their course, as his battle scars or his war wounds.  He has earned a purple heart in our opinion.  He has fought hard to continue to live, and we have fought even harder to keep him with us and maintain a good quality of life for him.  It is the face of courage that you see now when you look at him, which is what I titled the picture....face of courage.

Here's to Hardee, our courageous little bubs.  Keep the good fight my boy, as long as you can.  We are so proud of you, and so happy you are ours.  As always, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.   


P.S.- There have been no side effects from Hardee's new chemo drug that we tried a week ago, but I have kept him on all of his side effect drugs.  And, a small brag here....Hardee has moved up in the agility rankings and is now ranked the #4 dog of all the Portuguese Water Dogs in agility for the AKC Agility Invitational for 2011.  We are thrilled and oh so proud of him!        

Wed., March 16, 2011 - Hardee's birthday

On Saturday, March 12th, our sweet boy turned 6.  It was one of the most memorable days of my life.  Sounds corny, I know, but it was.  Hardee means the whole world to us, and it was such a wonderful day.

Jim had to work out of town for HH's birthday, so we arranged for a friend to run Hardee in agility for the weekend.  We wanted Hardee to be able to do one of his favorite sports on his special day.  We didn't care if they qualified or not, just that HH got to run and have fun.  Susan and Hardee have never practiced together before, but they still managed to qualify in 2 runs!  It was fabulous!  It proves again how much Hardee loves agility, that he will run for the joy of running with anyone, though he does really love Susan.  She has the best treats!  We are so appreciative of Susan, and the fondness she has for our boy.

And just in case that wasn't enough greatness for one day, Susan also threw Hardee a surprise birthday party.  There were decorations adorning our set-up at agility, birthday plates, napkins, and tablecloth (which I kept as momentos), lunch, dessert, dog party favors, dog treats, presents and cards for Hardee, and best yet, friends and their PWDs.  It caught me off guard, and it truly was a surprise.  It was so very nice, and it sent me into the ugly cry the whole drive back to the hotel, which was about 70 miles away.

On Monday, Hardee had to go for chemo.  His original appointment was for last Thursday, but I didn't want him to get chemo before his birthday.  We tried a different chemo this time, Mitoxantrone.  It is a replacement for doxorubicin, the bad chemo.  Usually the side effects are minimal with most dogs, they say, so we aren't expecting any side effects as long as I keep HH on all his anti-side effect meds.  So far, so good.  We spent an extra night in SoCal just in case before we headed home.

Hardee's hair is starting to grow back....well, some of it.  Most of his brown is growing back in, as is the white on his belly.  The white on his neck and chest is still missing though, except for one small patch of white on his chest that he never lost.  His brown hair is darker brown now.  I don't know if that is a color change from chemo or the fact that the white hairs intermixed with the brown have fallen out with his loss of white hair.  Either way, he is still our handsome boy. 

He still sneezes, both eyes water and drain, and both sides of his nose drain now, though it mostly drains from his right side.  He's been having problems with his allergies lately.  It is that time of year, and he has no hair on parts of his body to protect him from the allergens, so he is really itchy right now.  I've started him back on the Claritin to help a little with his allergies.

No matter what Hardee has been through, he is still our happy, handsome boy, thus the HHH now or H3.  We would like to add a fourth H, for healthy, and we are still fighting for that.  Odds are not in our favor though, nor is the oncologists prognosis of not curable, but we fight on.  We don't know any other way.  Our boy deserves every chance we can give him, as long as his quality of life is still there.  Keep your fingers and paws crossed for us, your positive vibes coming our way, and/or your prayers.  We'll need them.  We would sure love to celebrate a 7th birthday with him.

Thank you, all, who attended Hardee's party and made our day so wonderful.  A special thank you to Susan for giving us such a memorable weekend.  We had a fabulous time with loads of fun.  You all mean the world to us!

As usual, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!

Wed., Feb. 23, 2011 - Chemo appt....one week late

Hardee had chemo again last Thursday.  One week later than normal, but his blood work looked great.  The chemo that HH got, Carboplatin, was the easier of the 2 that he rotates through, with generally no side effects as long as he gets all his chemo side effect pills.  I stopped his anti-nausea meds today and his anti-diarrheals because by now the side effects should be past.

I haven't written to the blog in awhile and I tried to write on chemo day last week, but I've needed time to digest what Dr. O said to me during our appointment.  A couple statements hit me quite hard.  1. When I quizzed him again about what he thought shrank the tumor, he said he thought it was both the long term effects of radiation and the chemo combined.  He said that radiation was notorious for breaking only one strand of the DNA helix but that the other strand opposite has to be broken too in order to have the full affect.  This means that chemo should have been done in conjunction with radiation, not months afterwards like we did, to have the best chance of working.  Why didn't anyone tell me this before, preferably back in August when we did radiation?  We wouldn't have even tried chemo yet because Dr. P wanted me to wait longer to see if the radiation was going to have any further effect.  If I hadn't pushed like crazy to get it going back in November when the tumor was rapidly growing, I'm not sure when we would have started chemo. 

2) We can never do doxorubicin again.  Because Doxo put Hardee in ICU the last time we gave it, we can never give it again or the consequences can be much worse.  Why I am sad about this is, I asked which chemo Dr O thought was working, and he said the doxo.  I feel like I have no more ammunition to fight the tumor with.  My big gun has been taken away (plus I also lost some other meds to help fight with that I'll write about later).  Yes, I know I still have carboplatin, but that's like shooting a BB gun at this damn tumor.  I brought up the fact about giving the doxo at 25% reduced dosage, like the oncologist who treated HH while he was in ICU here told me.  Dr O said if doxo is not given at it's full dose, it loses it's efficacy and there would be no point in giving it.  I asked him to please let us try it again, that as a paramedic I could keep HH on all the anti-nausea meds through an IV drip, keep fluids pumped into him IV, and he said no.  The anti-nausea meds didn't work for Hardee at all last chemo round, and they tried all of them, through shots and IV drips.  They just had to wait it out and have the affects of the doxo leave Hardee's body, so me taking them home and keeping him on IVs wouldn't work.

Just in case that wasn't enough crappy news, Hardee has an ulcer from the cancer meds he's been on daily at home, mainly the piroxicam and cyclophosphamide (chemo pill).  Because of the ulcer, we've had to stop those meds also.  Now he only gets ulcer meds at home.  I feel, again, like this tumor is getting the better of us.  We still want to fight.....but with what?  What is left to battle with?  I asked about another drug that we can bring in from France, called masitinib,  and because of the ulcer that answer was no, not right now, also.

In a little over 2 weeks, Hardee will be 6 years old.  We are extremely grateful that he is still with us.  We have been battling this nasal tumor for almost 6.5 months now.  We are living in the moment, and currently, Hardee's quality of life is good.  His nose still drains and it is tinged with blood.  He looks horrible right now with the hair loss from chemo.  But, none of this matters because he is here and happy, and we still get to love him and do what brings us all joy.  So, life is good!

I am making plans for Hardee's birthday, March 12th, which include letting him do what he loves, agility.  Hardee's Dad will be out of town working that weekend, so a friend will fill in for Jim to run Hardee.

As usual, it is all about joy and all about Hardee!

Thurs., Feb. 3, 2011 - Doing good!

This is just a quick update on how Hardee is faring.  HH is doing great now, and seems totally healed from his ICU stay from the chemo side effects last week.  He ate kibble for the first time on Monday, and his appetite has been back in full force since then.  He sleeps quite a bit, but I think it is his bodies way of fighting the cancer and keeping his strength up. 

His hair that had started to grow back in is now falling out, again.  I guess the doxorubicin (chemo) that hit him so hard has now affected the hair, again.  I was told that the body reaches an equilibrium with the chemo and the hair grows back.  No one said that it would fall out again, so I'll have to ask about that.  There's not much we can do about it but keep him covered up to stay warm and put a jacket on him when we have to go outside.  Hopefully Spring is around the corner, and I won't have to worry so much about him being cold.

Hardee still sneezes a lot, and his nose drains constantly.  The oncologist that took care of him while he was in ICU called his nose drainage a "mucopurulent nasal discharge."  Most of the time the nasal discharge is blood tinged, sometimes with more blood than other times.  His eyes also drain.  The tumor has caused the right eye to water and drain since last May.  A couple months ago, Hardee's left eye started to water and drain.  It seems to me that the tumor has spread further into the left nasal passage to now block the left tear duct.  That area wasn't radiated, so it's entirely possible.

This morning Hardee finished the antibiotics that he was on for his lack of white blood cells that the chemo had wiped out.  Hopefully he is no longer neutopenic, and his immune system has recovered.  Maybe I should take him for another blood test to make sure, even though we have to run blood next week to see if he can withstand another chemo round.

Hardee has an agility trial this weekend in So Cal.  The Southern California Portuguese Water Dog Club is holding it's first agility trial of the year.  Hardee and Jim will be running agility, and I'm the agility trial chairperson.  We are looking forward to a fun weekend of running agility, and seeing other PWD friends.  Hardee is resting up for it and getting ready!

Until then it is all about joy and all about Hardee....oh, and rest and agility also!

Friday, Jan. 28, 2011 - Effects of chemo and tumor growth

Hardee has been suffering the side effects of chemo.  The joy we felt last Thursday when we got the news that Hardee's tumor had shrunk was over-ridden by the fact that he was getting really sick from the chemo.

Chemo was last Thursday afternoon in So Cal, and by Friday morning HH was already showing signs of stomach upset by not wanting to eat.  Once I got all his pills in him, he seemed okay in a couple hours.  This continued off and on through Sunday morning, and we were still in California.  Even with all his anti-nausea pills every 8 hours, later on Sunday morning Hardee started salivating and drooling excessively.  By the time we got him to the emergency vet, he was dehydrated from losing so much fluid through his mouth.  They gave him subcutaneous fluids and a shot of an anti-nausea drug, dolasetron.  After a couple hours, they released him and said he was much better.  He wasn't.  I had them give me a shot of Cerenia, another anti-nausea med, that I could administer later that night.  We had a long trip back to Vegas ahead of us, and I knew it would not be easy on Hardee.

I gave the shot to Hardee when we got home around 11pm.  It did not help, and he was sopping wet from drooling.  He did not want to get out of his crate in the car when we got home.  He wouldn't eat or drink and only wanted to be out back in the cold air.  We could not possibly spend the night out there, so I relented as he got back in his crate in the car in the cold garage and let him stay there.  I covered him up with blankets, propped his head up with towels to absorb the drool and so he would not aspirate, and went inside to get a chair to sit by him.  This is how we spent the night, and Hardee did not sleep once.

Monday morning early I emailed and was on the phone to HH's oncologist in So Cal.  He had me take Hardee directly to the hospital that first diagnosed Hardee's tumor where there is a an oncologist on duty, and they admitted him directly to ICU.  I.V. fluids and continuous anti-nausea drugs did not work, and he was still sick.  The next day we were going to ultrasound his belly to see if we were now dealing with something else (had the cancer spread?), but we decided against it.  All it would give us is possibly more bad news.  It would not change our game plan, so we did not do it.  We can save that money and put it towards his other bills as we are well over $35,000.00 now.  I honestly think it was just the bad side effects of chemo anyway.

HH is home now.  He is finally eating, but not very much, and we have tried everything.  His faves now are jarred baby food, namely beef and gravy, and ham and gravy.  The hard boiled egg that he ate last night, he now turns his nose up at, so I go back to the old stand by of baby food.  It works, and he's home and eating, so I'm happy.  He still has diarrhea, but even today that is getting a little better.

Now back to the tumor growth.  Even though we got the fabulous news last week that his tumor was smaller, it is a short reprieve.  It will regrow.  We don't know if it is the long term effects of radiation that have worked to shrink it a little, or is it the chemo.  Consensus is that it was the long term effects of radiation.  If it was the chemo that worked, the tumor would be smaller.  Because we don't know which had the small effect, we will continue chemo and CT scan again in 2 months.  More chemo treatments will be decided after the next CT scan.  My feeling is that it was the radiation that continued to work a little.

On the bright side, while HH was in the hospital he didn't get any pain pills.  He hasn't had the pain pills for 6 days now and he doesn't seem to be in that much pain, so for now we will forgo the pain pills.  We'll add them back in when needed.  Also while HH was in the hospital, the oncologist on duty here didn't seem to think that Hardee should be on the oral chemo pill that I give daily at home.  She said that it works by blocking blood flow to the tumor, and right now while HH is getting I.V. chemo we want the I.V. chemo to be able to get to the tumor to try and kill it.  I'm confused about that pill now and haven't started Hardee back on it just yet.  I need to research it more and ask his oncologist in So Cal about it because he's the one who had us start it.

We don't know how much more time the tumor shrinkage will give us, but we'll take any extra quality time that we can get with our boy.  I stress the quality time, without pain that we cannot control, and without bleeding that we cannot control.  We love him too much to make him suffer while he waits to go to the rainbow bridge.  That being said, every one's assessment of our situation and of suffering is different.  The word suffering is so subjective.  We are the one's living it, and we know our boy.  Most of you don't even know Hardee personally, and sometimes get the wrong impression about what I write.  Hardee has let us know that he wants to fight on.  He loves life, and we love him.  We will know when it is time.  It won't be easy, but we will know.

Until then, it is all about joy, and all about Hardee.  He is full of joy, as are we to still have him with us.

Thurs., Jan. 20th, 2011 - Good news!

The tumor is shrinking!!!!!  I am sobbing tears of joy, and at the same time, doing a happy dance!

HH is getting more chemo as I write.  He's getting the really bad one that he got back in Nov. that I've been putting off doing again because of the bad side effects.  We don't know which chemo drug is doing the trick, so to hedge our bets, we've got to do the bad chemo again.

I cannot express our relief and our immense joy!  And to think we almost lost him back in November.  We are beyond thrilled!!!

It really is all about joy and all about Hardee!

Wed., Jan. 12, 2011 - Happy New Year!

Happy 2011 to all.  So far it has been a good year.  I know it has been less than 2 weeks, but we never know how much time we have so we are making the most of it.  Today is Handsome Hardee's 5 year and 10 month birthday.  Two months ago, we almost didn't make it to here, so we celebrate each month he gets older and is still with us.  It has also been almost exactly 5 months since the dreaded diagnosis.

To catch you up on Hardee, he is doing great right now.  He's had three I.V. chemo treatments and is getting ready for his 4th next week.  Also next week when we go for chemo,  Hardee is getting general anesthesia for another CT scan so we can assess the tumor growth.  It has been 2 months since we did the last scan, and I'd like to know if the chemo is having any affect on the tumor.  HH still gets a daily chemo pill, and I'm hoping the combination of the chemo is helping to shrink the tumor or at least stop the rapid growth that was occurring in November. 

This next round of chemo, I think we'll go back to the chemo that he got the very first time....the one that made him so sick.  We are better prepared to fight the side effects this time and hopefully ward off the effects.  We've done Carboplatin two times in a row now, and we need to go back to the original chemo sometime.  A person on my canine cancer list tried Carboplatin for her dog's nasal tumor and it didn't work at all, so now I am afraid to try it again without trying another chemo first.  We'll do the scan before we do the chemo, so depending on the scan results, we'll decide then on what chemo to use.

Hardee has lost so much hair while on chemo.  It has hit his white areas hard, and he only has small areas of white hair left that are patchy, at best.  Hardee's brown hair seems to be falling out much more evenly.  I'm thinking hard about shaving him down again.  After I got used to the shaved look in September, when I first shaved him down, it didn't look that bad to me.  The sad part is that HH is losing his tail flag.  The tip of his tail is bare where the white part of his flag used to be.

Hardee is his happy, confident self still.  He loves life, and we love him.  His nose still drains quite a bit of goop, that also drains down the back of his throat and gags him often, and is blood tinged.  He still sneezes often, especially when he is up and moving.  I still worry with each sneeze because it can set off a bleed that we might not be able to control.  Two months ago, we didn't think he would make it until now, and now my goal is to have him for his 6th birthday, March 12th.

Keep us, and especially Hardee, in your thoughts and prayers next week for better results from the CT scan on Thurs., Jan 20th.  Add in some special blessings for a friend's dog that has come out of remission for his cancer.  He is young, like Hardee, and such a special boy.  I'll update Hardee's blog when I know something at the end of next week.

Until then, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  We can't imagine our lives any other way.