Friday, July 8, 2011 - Tough chemo decisions

We have some tough decisions ahead of us concerning chemo.  Lately, Hardee has a reaction to chemo each time he receives it every 3 weeks.  The reactions aren't bad enough to cause alarm and Hardee still eats and drinks during them, but it is getting harder for me to watch the nausea and some vomiting that Hardee has to endure.  During one of the reactions, Hardee even became incontinent.  Usually the reaction is only about a 24 hours or less, but still quality of life comes into play.

If we stop chemo, the tumor will surely grow, so stopping chemo is not an easy decision for us.  It is like signing the death warrant for our beloved boy.  Jim still wants to fight and thinks the benefits of chemo still outweigh the side effects and doesn't think that quality of life has suffered.  Jim works out of state quite a bit, so he isn't always here to see everything.  I think we should stop chemo, but this is a family decision.  Maybe the compromise will be that we give Hardee a couple months off, then maybe only go for chemo every 6 weeks or so.

Hardee has a twitch in his face now.  It is almost like he is winching, like he received a sharp pain.  The oncologists haven't seen it happen, and the CT scans don't support what I think it is (which is pain) because the tumor hasn't grown.  Hardee's doctors think it might be focal motor seizures, but I disagree.  I think there is something going on in there, but I don't know what.  We are saving our money for an MRI to see if that shows anything different that the CT scan is not picking up.  The MRI might also give us more info to be able to make a more informed decision about discontinuing chemo.  In the meantime, I filled the script for Gabapentin (Neurontin) that the oncologist prescribed for Hardee in case it is a nerve problem or a seizure, but I have not started him on that drug yet.  I've taken that drug previously, and I could barely function, but not everyone has the same reaction that I did.

Hardee nose is draining quite a bit.  He's been off antibiotics for 2 weeks today, so I'll start him back on them tonight.  I wanted his body to have a little rest before we started the antibiotics again.  The drainage doesn't seem to bother him, only us as we chase him around to get the big strings coming from his nose.  The antibiotics seem to help with the drainage though.  There is less drainage that comes from his nose while on them, and the drainage is more fluid based than mucous based.

It is now Tuesday, July 12.  I seem to struggle with getting blog posts posted in a timely manner.  I started this blog as a way to let everyone know how Hardee was doing when I couldn't keep up with the emails, but it also became a way for me to keep a record of what is going on with Hardee.  As much as I'd like to be able to keep an accurate record of what's happening, I can't.  I walk a fine line between writing all that is really happening or glossing over things or not mentioning things at all.  It shouldn't be this way, but it is.  If I write in detail about what is going on here, people misinterpret it, think Hardee is suffering, and think he should be put down.  I know you think it looks so clear from the outside looking in, but you are not living it.  You don't know all the details or the hard decisions, and you don't know some of the decisions about the good outweighing the bad.  Most you you don't even know Hardee personally.  You just read about him and make your judgements.  The people that do know Hardee and see him work and perform know differently, and know that his quality of life is good.  Through it all, Hardee is a happy, confident dog, enjoying life except for some brief periods of treatment.

Chemo is supposed to be this Monday again, but we are cancelling Hardee's appointment.  We're not sure if, or when, we will reschedule that appointment.  Water practice is this Thursday (Yay!  It's been almost 3 weeks since the last one).  Hardee has had some "off" days lately where he doesn't seem to be feeling 100%, and he threw up this morning.  We'll still do our long drive down to the lake but let Hardee do what he feels up to doing.  The lake always lifts his spirits and brings him joy, though he's not fond of the 600 mile drive that it takes to get there and back in one day.  Neither are we!

As always, it is all about joy and all about Hardee.  Keep good thoughts for us as we work our way through these tough decisions for our precious boy.