Wed., Jan. 25, 2012 - The last 4 weeks

When I left off last, I was scared to start the Palladia on Hardee, but he seemed to handle it okay.  The only side effect was diarrhea.  We didn't know if the diarrhea was associated with the Palladia or the strong antibiotic, Baytril, that Hardee was taking.  We treated for the diarrhea and got a handle on it quickly every time it reared it's ugly head.

Two weeks into the Palladia, I had to take Hardee into the vets for blood work.  This worried me so because of what happened the last time we had Hardee at the vets.  I scheduled the appointment with the Air Force base vet, and they gave us the last appointment of the morning.  Before we left for the appointment, I gave Hardee 1.5 valium and hoped for the best.  I didn't bring HH inside until they were ready for him, and I brought LOTS of treats with me.  Everyone greeted HH and gave him treats, trying to make it a pleasant experience.  When I saw Hardee getting stressed, I started working him right away.  We heeled around the waiting area, did finishes and arounds, stands, downs, backs....what ever I could do to keep him engaged and focused on me.  The blood draw went well, after they finally found a vein, and I breathed a big sigh a relief.

At first I didn't think the Palladia was working because we were still having nose bleeds.  Then, the bleeds stopped, and I started to have hope, again, that our boy might be with us longer than we expected.  There was also less drainage from his nose, but I didn't know if that was the Palladia working on the tumors, or the stronger antibiotic working on any infection up in there.  Either way, Jim and I were ecstatic!

These next paragraphs will be the hardest words I have ever written, so bear with me.  Our elation didn't last long.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I started smelling a bad smell coming from Hardee.  At first Jim could not smell it, and I had a hard time convincing him that something was not right.  I could not tell if the smell was coming from HH's nose or his mouth, but I thought I smelled it more when his mouth was open.  A couple days later, Jim could finally smell what I was smelling.  I thought it might be a little infectious smelling, so I tried a different antibiotic.  With nasal cancer, you always have numerous different antibiotics around, and Hardee has been on antibiotics continuously for almost a year and we have to switch antibiotics frequently to find one that works for a while.  Different antibiotics did not diminish the smell, but Hardee was eating and drinking normally, and running agility with his usual joy.

I'm on a nasal cancer forum, and some of the stuff I read on there is so horrible that I don't tell Jim about it.  I did not tell Jim what I suspected was the smell, but I went back and reread some things on the forum.  I needed to get a look inside Hardee mouth, but he is so leery of having things done to him now that I cannot force the issue.  I raised Hardee's lips numerous times and didn't see anything around the outside of his teeth or gums, but he wouldn't let me look inside.  I tried to catch him yawning but had no luck. 

I called down to Hardee's new oncologist to talk to her about the smell.  She thought it was infection and started HH back on a stronger antibiotic.  I asked her that if the Palladia was working to kill the tumors, could that have a bad smell associated with it?  She wasn't sure.  Then I asked her the most horrible question that I had read about on my nasal cancer forum.....could the tumor have broken through the roof of Hardee's mouth?  She thought that it could be possible but didn't think it probable based on Hardee's latest CT scan only about 3 weeks earlier.  Somehow, I knew that it had though.

I thought about everything for a couple of hours, but I had to know what was going on in Hardee's mouth.  I gave Hardee some valium, and I had Jim take Hardee's grooming table outside where the sunlight would help me.  We got out his nail grinder which always makes HH anxious and causes him to yawn, and then we waited for the right opportunity to see the roof of his mouth.  What we saw crushed us to the core.  Not only had the tumor broken through a huge area in his hard palate, there was a fistula (hole) going through into his nasal cavity.  We loved and hugged on Hardee, and cried.  Then I went in to call Hardee's oncologist.

The oncologist said there is nothing more that we can do.  I asked if this means that we have to release Hardee to the bridge tomorrow, and he said no, that if Hardee is eating and drinking normally and has quality to his life, then it is not Hardee's time to leave us yet.  He said to let Hardee do what ever he wants, let him run agility, and when Hardee's quality of life starts to fade, then we'll know it is time.

We came down to SoCal and the agility trial we had planned this weekend knowing that we might have to release Hardee from all this horribleness at any time.  Jim and Hardee only needed one more QQ (double qualifying score) for their MACH 2 (Master Agility Champion, twice over), and as nice as that accomplishment would be, the only thing that matters now is what brings Hardee joy and letting him do what he loves. 

Hardee had a very bad night last night, but this morning he wanted to run.  Today Jim and Hardee completed their MACH2 with another QQQ.  As thrilled as we were, it was bittersweet also, and there were many tears.  Words cannot express how proud I am of Hardee and Jim. 

We have always strived to give Hardee the best life possible.  We will continue on that path with the added bonus of giving Hardee forbidden things to eat and letting him do whatever he wants until his time with us comes to an end.  This afternoon he took his pills with Nutella and got a couple peanut M&Ms.  Tonight he celebrates his MACH2 with a double-double In-n-Out burger, his favorite!

Knowing that the day the tumor would get the best of us was coming, does not make it easier to accept.  We were not prepared for what we saw inside Hardee's mouth.  How he continues to endure has us amazed.  We'd like to think that his love of life with us, and our love for him, is what keeps us all going.

Thank you all for your support along this journey.  I know I'm asking again, but please keep us all in your thoughts as we proceed forward, hour by hour, or possibly, day by day (he's surprised us before), for pain free time filled with joy and love for our little boy, and clarity for us to know when it is time to let go.

Until that very last second, it is, and always will be, all about Hardee.