Tues., Jan. 31, 2010 - Status quo

Just a quick update since there have been inquiries about Hardee.  Everything is the same.  Handsome Hardee (HH) eats and drinks with gusto, lives with joy, and is getting lots of love from us.  There have been quite a few violent reverse sneezing episodes that have scared us, where HH can't catch his breath and he can't stop the reverse sneezing episode, but it eventually stops and things settle down.  We have increased his pain pills and lessened the duration between doses mostly because I fear his pain.  I want to make sure he is comfortable.

Last Friday when HH and Jim got their MACH2, we did not celebrate.  We waited for our friends to be there Saturday.  Jim and Hardee turned around and QQd (double qualified) again on Saturday so we could officially celebrate.  Jim and HH got to do their celebratory run around the ring with their big ribbon, and I took their picture with the judge.  What a wonderful day!

After the celebration in the ring, we had celebratory El Pollo Loco chicken, tortillas and salsa, and a huge chocolate MACH2 cake.  We ate the cake first, as all good celebrations do.  After we had our fill of chicken, we shredded the rest for the dogs.  We had the agility threesome (Hardee and our friend's 2 PWDs) in a sit stay on the grass with their plates of chicken in front of them.  They stayed while we took photos, with tons of drool coming from them, and then we released them to devour their chicken.

On Sunday, the celebration continued with In-n-Out double-double burgers for all.  We ate our burgers first, then the dogs got theirs.  Again, we had them waiting in the grass on a down stay this time with their burgers right in front of them while we took pictures, and then we released them to eat theirs.  I took photos while they ate.  Indy finished first with just a piece of lettuce left while Hardee still had his whole burger in his mouth.  Viva finished second, while HH brought up the rear in the burger finishing department.  I've got a couple pictures where HH was eyeing Viva's burger though before they ate.  What fun we have with our dogs!

Yesterday when we finally got home, Hardee was tired.  That is standard for him after a weekend of agility, but today, he's had two barking zoomies so far and he's brought us stuffies to play with him.  Doesn't seem like a dog on his deathbed just yet!  He's amazed us many, many times before, so we'll let him dictate his path with us.

Tomorrow, it will be exactly 18 months ago that I found the nasty discharge coming from Hardee's nose that drove us to the vets the next morning and the horrible diagnosis the following week.  We will always wish for more time with our little Bubs, but we are grateful for every extra second we spend together.

Things haven't ever changed with us.  It is still all about joy, and all about Hardee.  We continue to celebrate his life!

P.S.- I just learned that you can post videos here, so I've included Hardee's runs from his MACH2 celebration day.  The top 2 videos are his Jumps With Weaves run, and his Standard run.  The bottom video is his celebratory run.  He is slower now, but he still runs with joy!

Wed., Jan. 25, 2012 - The last 4 weeks

When I left off last, I was scared to start the Palladia on Hardee, but he seemed to handle it okay.  The only side effect was diarrhea.  We didn't know if the diarrhea was associated with the Palladia or the strong antibiotic, Baytril, that Hardee was taking.  We treated for the diarrhea and got a handle on it quickly every time it reared it's ugly head.

Two weeks into the Palladia, I had to take Hardee into the vets for blood work.  This worried me so because of what happened the last time we had Hardee at the vets.  I scheduled the appointment with the Air Force base vet, and they gave us the last appointment of the morning.  Before we left for the appointment, I gave Hardee 1.5 valium and hoped for the best.  I didn't bring HH inside until they were ready for him, and I brought LOTS of treats with me.  Everyone greeted HH and gave him treats, trying to make it a pleasant experience.  When I saw Hardee getting stressed, I started working him right away.  We heeled around the waiting area, did finishes and arounds, stands, downs, backs....what ever I could do to keep him engaged and focused on me.  The blood draw went well, after they finally found a vein, and I breathed a big sigh a relief.

At first I didn't think the Palladia was working because we were still having nose bleeds.  Then, the bleeds stopped, and I started to have hope, again, that our boy might be with us longer than we expected.  There was also less drainage from his nose, but I didn't know if that was the Palladia working on the tumors, or the stronger antibiotic working on any infection up in there.  Either way, Jim and I were ecstatic!

These next paragraphs will be the hardest words I have ever written, so bear with me.  Our elation didn't last long.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I started smelling a bad smell coming from Hardee.  At first Jim could not smell it, and I had a hard time convincing him that something was not right.  I could not tell if the smell was coming from HH's nose or his mouth, but I thought I smelled it more when his mouth was open.  A couple days later, Jim could finally smell what I was smelling.  I thought it might be a little infectious smelling, so I tried a different antibiotic.  With nasal cancer, you always have numerous different antibiotics around, and Hardee has been on antibiotics continuously for almost a year and we have to switch antibiotics frequently to find one that works for a while.  Different antibiotics did not diminish the smell, but Hardee was eating and drinking normally, and running agility with his usual joy.

I'm on a nasal cancer forum, and some of the stuff I read on there is so horrible that I don't tell Jim about it.  I did not tell Jim what I suspected was the smell, but I went back and reread some things on the forum.  I needed to get a look inside Hardee mouth, but he is so leery of having things done to him now that I cannot force the issue.  I raised Hardee's lips numerous times and didn't see anything around the outside of his teeth or gums, but he wouldn't let me look inside.  I tried to catch him yawning but had no luck. 

I called down to Hardee's new oncologist to talk to her about the smell.  She thought it was infection and started HH back on a stronger antibiotic.  I asked her that if the Palladia was working to kill the tumors, could that have a bad smell associated with it?  She wasn't sure.  Then I asked her the most horrible question that I had read about on my nasal cancer forum.....could the tumor have broken through the roof of Hardee's mouth?  She thought that it could be possible but didn't think it probable based on Hardee's latest CT scan only about 3 weeks earlier.  Somehow, I knew that it had though.

I thought about everything for a couple of hours, but I had to know what was going on in Hardee's mouth.  I gave Hardee some valium, and I had Jim take Hardee's grooming table outside where the sunlight would help me.  We got out his nail grinder which always makes HH anxious and causes him to yawn, and then we waited for the right opportunity to see the roof of his mouth.  What we saw crushed us to the core.  Not only had the tumor broken through a huge area in his hard palate, there was a fistula (hole) going through into his nasal cavity.  We loved and hugged on Hardee, and cried.  Then I went in to call Hardee's oncologist.

The oncologist said there is nothing more that we can do.  I asked if this means that we have to release Hardee to the bridge tomorrow, and he said no, that if Hardee is eating and drinking normally and has quality to his life, then it is not Hardee's time to leave us yet.  He said to let Hardee do what ever he wants, let him run agility, and when Hardee's quality of life starts to fade, then we'll know it is time.

We came down to SoCal and the agility trial we had planned this weekend knowing that we might have to release Hardee from all this horribleness at any time.  Jim and Hardee only needed one more QQ (double qualifying score) for their MACH 2 (Master Agility Champion, twice over), and as nice as that accomplishment would be, the only thing that matters now is what brings Hardee joy and letting him do what he loves. 

Hardee had a very bad night last night, but this morning he wanted to run.  Today Jim and Hardee completed their MACH2 with another QQQ.  As thrilled as we were, it was bittersweet also, and there were many tears.  Words cannot express how proud I am of Hardee and Jim. 

We have always strived to give Hardee the best life possible.  We will continue on that path with the added bonus of giving Hardee forbidden things to eat and letting him do whatever he wants until his time with us comes to an end.  This afternoon he took his pills with Nutella and got a couple peanut M&Ms.  Tonight he celebrates his MACH2 with a double-double In-n-Out burger, his favorite!

Knowing that the day the tumor would get the best of us was coming, does not make it easier to accept.  We were not prepared for what we saw inside Hardee's mouth.  How he continues to endure has us amazed.  We'd like to think that his love of life with us, and our love for him, is what keeps us all going.

Thank you all for your support along this journey.  I know I'm asking again, but please keep us all in your thoughts as we proceed forward, hour by hour, or possibly, day by day (he's surprised us before), for pain free time filled with joy and love for our little boy, and clarity for us to know when it is time to let go.

Until that very last second, it is, and always will be, all about Hardee.

Thurs., Dec. 29, 2011 - Different game plan...still fighting

First, let me thank those who offered good thoughts or prayers for Hardee's nose bleed to stop on Tuesday.  The bleed stopped quickly, and we haven't had anymore blood since then.  We delayed our agility trip plans by a day to make sure, and the clot even held during Hardee's weekly bath.

Since I wrote last, I still had not called and discussed things with the oncologist that did Hardee's scan last week.  It was Christmas, and we just didn't want to have to talk about cancer for a couple days.  Sometimes, it is just nice to try and pretend that things aren't the way they really are (as best you can), to escape reality, and take a couple days off.  Since we were going to be in SoCal anyway this week, I called and scheduled an appointment so we could talk face to face with the oncologist instead of over the phone.  Of course, Hardee was going to wait in the car instead of going inside after what happened last week.

When we got to our appointment and found out the oncologist that had done Hardee's scan didn't come in to that office as planned that day, I was pretty upset.  There was another oncologist there that we could see, but the thought of starting fresh with another oncologist after a year and a half was almost unthinkable to me.  It turned out to be the best thing ever, and I really liked her!!!  She had some fresh ideas and a different perspective, and was very willing to work within our parameters.  Also, before Dr T saw us, she called down to the Carlsbad office to consult with Dr P and Dr O about Hardee's case.  Dr T is only at the Ontario office 2 days per week, but if we can work it out, we will only try and schedule with her from now on.

Dr T accepted our decision to not pursue further radiation on the new tumors.  Yes, new tumors, as the radiologist report stated that the cancer had spread to both frontal sinuses in HH's forehead, instead of just the left frontal sinus that we saw on the scan from last week.  Dr T talked to us about a newer chemo pill that we can give at home called Palladia.  Palladia has only been out for about 2 years and has been used for Mast Cell Tumor cancers, but there is a new study starting up at Washington State that is trying it on nasal carcinomas.  Though Hardee fits all the criteria for the study for the free expensive meds, check-ups, and CT scans, we cannot travel to Washington and be there long term. 

Though the research I've read on Palladia isn't good, we are trying it anyway.  We are on last ditch efforts here.  The efficacy of Palladia is only about 40% and of the 40% whose tumors did shrink, it was short lived (3 months) and then the tumors grew right back.  Palladia also has a very high percentage of nasty side effects.  Hardee will start the Palladia this Monday, Jan. 2, 2012 and will get it every Mon., Wed., and Fri.  We are giving him a low dose (50 mg) instead of the 80 mg recommended (hopefully it is enough to help), and we can stop the drug at any time.

Dr. T started Hardee on a stronger antibiotic to see if it helps control some of the drainage coming from his nose.  We also talked to her about a sedative to give Hardee when we have to bring him back in for blood work in 2 weeks.  The sedative, Acepromazine, does nothing for Hardee, so Dr T wrote a script for Valium.  I hope it works!  We also got a script for Gabepentin (Neurontin) to see if that helps control his pain, along with the Tramadol.  HH rubs his face and head on anything he can, and he bats at it with his front legs/paws.  I fear his pain, but Dr T doesn't think he is in horrible pain, though she does agree that it has to bother him quite a bit.  Since the nose is so innervated, we are trying the "nerve drug" Neurontin to see if it helps.


Well, here it is Jan. 21, 2012.  It's been 3.5 weeks since I started this post.  So much for my new year's resolution to stop procrastinating.  A busy life out having fun with the little Bubs keeps getting in the way.  At least it is still all about joy and all about Hardee!


I'll write an update soon about the last 3.5 weeks, hopefully......